2009 – Year-in-Review
2009 was a pretty solid year for me. At 30 years old I finally got to see a Chicago Cubs game at Wrigley Field on arguably the prettiest day of the year with my surrogate older brother Chris Wells. I witnessed the glory of an Ohio State football game with my boy Winslow from the Sorority Section of the “Horseshoe”…The song “Cold Desert” by Kings of Leon left me shaking my head in Charleston at how awesome that simple song is live…By the way, remember how great “Use Somebody” was before the radio and rednecks got a hold of it?
2009 was the year of social experiments…For example I explored the adventures of online dating…ha…I know I am still laughing at that myself…It was the year I found my dream girl but I guess I was actually mistaken…It was the year I forever fell in love with the Fat Hen restaurant on John’s Island….
2009 was the year my friends Curt, Keefer, and Brandi all got married (for the record - 2 of the best weddings I have had the privilege of attending) and one of my best friends Rahul got engaged to the lovely Shilpa (also for the record - she is a much hotter girl than the doc should have ever been able to pull…alcohol is a miracle worker).
It was a year where South Carolina was put on the political map for all the wrong reasons…Thanks Mark Sanford for proving you are the countries worst governor …Joe Wilson proves how retarded this country can be. A ridiculous, rude, ill-timed shout actually helped his Republican career and helped him earn record amounts of donation money…Ahhh, good ole South Carolina….Though it’s the best state in the Union, it tends to blow my mind in stupidity.
It was a year that I realized I like Tiger Woods even more than I thought….A year where Michael Jordan officially let everyone know he is in fact a dickhead. 2009 was the year that I realized the Carolina Cup is the greatest day of the year even with torrential downpours, foot-deep mud, and lightning….
It was a good year…That being said, I will own 2010…I have a very good vibe about it…we will see..
Overall it was a pretty decent year in entertainment too….so here we go.
Top 5 Disappointments:
Actually lets start with what let me down this year in the world of entertainment
5. “Away We Go” – Everyone told me how great this movie was…Maybe I am still waiting for it to digest…I love Krasinski and Sam Mendes, but this movie did nothing for me…It went nowhere…Maybe that was the point, but outside of a great soundtrack by Alexi Murdoch the movie was simply disappointing.
4. Death Cab for Cutie “Meet Me at the Equinox” – Was there a more annoying song on the radio in 2009? No (sans that ass clown David Archuleta’s song)…thanks to the New Moon weirdos this song won’t go away…Absolutely the worst song ever written and performed by Ben Gibbard…not only did he piss me off with this god-awful song, but he married my Zooey…mother fucker…this is personal now…
3. “The Informers” (the movie) – Holy shit this was bad…but man, thank god for Amber Heards insanely hot, constantly nude body, otherwise I would have hit power on the DVD player 25 minutes into it….This was a disgrace to Bret Easton Ellis great book…oh wait, he co-wrote the screenplay, so I guess he is to blame…He was a lot cooler and more talented when was coked up…
2. “Terminator: Salvation” – I thought this movie was going to blow me away…nope…very under-whelming to say the least…maybe next time Bale…you’re still my dog…
1. Monster of Folk – M. Ward, Jim James, Conner Oberst, and Mike Mogis…Killer line-up…Mediocre results…This should have been mind-blowingly awesome, but it wasn’t…This was Folk-Rocks version of the Washington Redskins
Top 10 Movies:
I guess I am becoming harder and harder to impress, but I found this year to be rather mediocre again. I am so tired of movies trying to act cool (i.e. Righteous Kill, The Spirit, The Watchmen, etc)…Anyway, some of the flicks that almost made it: Harry Potter, Funny People, District 9, Public Enemies.
10. “The Hangover” – Funny yes…but was it really that funny? Not really…People keep telling me its top 10 of the decade….get-out-of-town…This movie doesn’t even sniff the top ten….and actually, I probably shouldn’t even put it in my top 10…oh well
9. “Sherlock Holmes” – Good flick. Entertaining, as most Guy Ritchie movies are, but this is more of DVD rental than a must-see.
8. “Star Trek” – I know…a nerd movie…let’s remember I am a nerd. I thought this movie was extremely entertaining and fun. Of course I did watch this at Cinebar in Charleston, SC and I was half-lit on Sam Adams Seasonals at the time…hmmm…
7. “Adventureland” – Teenage/Twenty-something Angst is my Achilles heel…Great soundtrack…Great role by my man Ryan Reynolds and overall solid movie about growing up and falling for a girl and being completely confused about young adult life…I like Kristen Stewart when she isn’t in a retarded vampire movie…She is like my new Jena Malone for teen-angst.
6. “The Go-Getter” – Teenage Angst + Zooey Deschanel = Rietveld’s Heaven
5. “Extract” – Great movie that no one saw. Oh how I love Jason Bateman…He has the best delivery in the business. It’s a short flick by Mike Judge who gave us Office Space, Idiocracy, and of course Beavis and Butthead…Rent it, its good…by the way, Bateman ends up in 3 of my top 10…
4. “Sin Nombre” – My man Gael Garcia Bernal produced this Mexican gem-of-a-movie. I thought it was a great story and a story told from the side of the immigrant that we gringos normally don’t think about or perhaps not want to think about. If you don’t mind subtitles then you should give it a chance.
3. “RocknRolla” – I know it technically came out in 2008, but in South Carolina I had to wait for the DVD, which hit in 2009. This was Guy Ritchie’s best movie of the past 2 years, not “Sherlock Holmes”. Though I recommend seeing Holmes, “RocknRolla” is my Ritchie choice of the year.
2. (tie). “500 Days of Summer” – Cheesy at times, but with a decent love story featuring Zooey and a killer soundtrack I am hooked. Good story about getting screwed over by a girl you are head-over-heels for…Not sure if I loved or hated the dance scene…I go back and forth on that, but overall it was a good movie until the “Autumn” line at the end….
“State of Play” – Crowe and Affleck are awesome in this political drama…My girl Rachel McAdams comes back from the dead playing a great little sidekick to Crowe’s character. I wont say anything about this movie in case you havent seen it….it’s one of those, zig-zagging stories that throws you a few curveballs.
1. “Up in the Air” – No question this is Clooney’s best movie. Whoever did the casting for this drama deserves a raise. I call this movie Depressingly Awesome…It’s real and perfect for 2010 and America’s current situation, both morally and economically…The soundtrack is amazing…It helped that they threw in one of my favorite Elliott Smith’s tracks near the end… “Snow Angels”…Great movie…
Top 5 TV Shows:
Best year in TV I can remember….Here are my Honorable Mentions: “Psych”, “The Office” (yeah, its not in the top 5), Bones.
5. The Soup – Joel Mchale is still my dog and “The Soup” is still one of the greatest shows on TV…I will catch up on “Community” here soon.
4. Modern Family – If it wasn’t for “The League” this would be the best new show of the year…Shot like “The Office” but since “The Office” has gotten stale, this ABC comedy gets the nod….
3. Its Always Sunny in Philadelphia – No idea why I didn’t give this show a chance earlier in life…Ridiculously funny and uncomfortable…It doesn’t matter if its race, religion, government, or mental illness, this show will make fun of it…Come talk to me, I will give you my dvds so you can catch up….
2. The League – Holy shit this show is funny…it is hardly about fantasy football like the previews made it look. Great casting and I can imagine a lot of improvising…Funniest show on tv this year….please lord, let this show come back next season….for the record, both Sunny and The League come on FX on Thursdays….If you don’t believe me on how awesome this show is, just download the “Mr. McGibblets” episode…
1. Friday Night Lights – Thank you Curt and Jared for turning me on to this show. This is a no-brainer…No show holds a candle to the casting, the music, and the writing to this show. I want to beat up NBC for not showing the new episodes now and making us wait until the summer….Please watch this show so it will not get cancelled….Do yourself a favor and go to Netflix and put all the season on your queue….You will thank me…
Top 5 Albums:
Not a mind-blowing year in top-to-bottom albums, but pretty solid:
Honorable mentions: Muse – The Resistance, AA Bondy, The Temper Trap – “Conditions”, 500 Days of Summer Soundtrack
5. Julian Casablancas: “Phrazes for the Young” – Is Casablancas a douchebag? Yep, but “Phrazes” is a good change of pace album. It’s a good driving around on a Friday night type of album if that makes any sense…I guarantee you he was listening to a lot of Depeche Mode when he wrote this album.
4. Coconut Records: “Davy” – Ahhh, my man Jason Schwartzman. Anyone who knows me, knows that I have an unhealthy crush on my shaggy haired Jewish hero. Great summer cd, with catchy hooks left and right. You will sing along to this album by the second spin.
3. M. Ward: “Hold Time” – I love the M. Ward. A guy who gets the most out of a mediocre voice, with contagious riffs, hand-claps, and solid lyrics. He is definitely in my top 5 man crushes for 2009. I guess I can forgive him for the “Monsters of Folk” commercial trainwreck.
2. Phoenix: “Wolfgang Amadeus Phoenix” – Summer cd for this year and years to come. Though one or two of the songs on this album burn the edges of my nerves, “Lasso,” “Rome,” “1901,” and “Lisztomania” are all unstoppable
1. Slow Club: “Yeah So” – My greatest find of 2009. Two kids (a guy and a girl) from Sheffield, England have put together a pop-folk-sing-along masterpiece. Simply based on her voice (and British accent of course), I would marry Rebecca Taylor tomorrow…but she is also pretty damn cute. But in short, this album has stellar overlapping vocals, hand clapping, tambourines, and choruses to die for…They had me at overlapping vocals…Seriously, it is $7.99 on iTunes, I will pay you back if you don’t like it…seriously…
Top 15 Songs:
Great year in individual songs…Though I thought albums were down, I found a ton of songs that fell in love with…so we are going with 15….sorry, I couldn’t narrow it down to 10, muchless 5.
15. “Mrs. Cold” – Kings of Convenience: Classic KoC…They almost lull you to sleep with their songs, but in a good way…does that make sense?
14. “Animal” – Miike Snow: I found myself listening to more electronic/synthesized music than ever before….This was my favorite of that genre…Dancy, but not too dancy…pretty sure dancy isn’t a word…
13. “I’m Not Okay” – Matt Pond PA: This is a My Chemical Romance cover and its retarded how awesome it is…it is the best cover song since Gary Jule’s cover of Tears for Fears “Mad World”…My Chemical Romance has to be like “fuck man, that hippie’s version blows ours away”…because it does
12. “Left & Right in the Dark” – Julian Casablancas: Great pop tune with a touch of that 80s flare I mentioned…
11. “Resistance” – Muse: British arena rock at its finest…I like how ESPN has turned Muse into a Jock Jams band (thanks ESPN for ruining “Uprising”)…but this is solid track off their latest release…which is good but not as good as the previous releases..
10. “Blood Bank” –Bon Iver: The EP is a good hold-me-over until the next full length, but certainly not to the standards of“For Emma Forever Ago”, but this song is warm and campfire worthy.
9. “My Love” - The Bird and the Bee: Jared and Stacey got me hooked on this poppy, happy-go-lucky, hand-clapping love song…if you want a cheer me up type of song, download this one…
8. “Home” – Edward Sharp and the Magnetic Zeros: This song makes you feel like you are at a western hootenanny (first time I have ever written that word…ever…such a good word)…this might be a little high up for this song, but I love it for some reason.
7. “Just Breathe” – Pearl Jam: I wish this track would have been written in time for the “Into the Wild” soundtrack. It would have fit perfectly in one of the closing scenes…Simple and elementary in terms of lyrics, yet a great love song….
6. “Sweet Disposition” – Temper Trap: Great track off the 500 Days soundtrack. They use overlapping vocals to steal my heart with a sound a little similar to
5. “Rome” – Phoenix: It was terribly difficult to pick between, Rome, Lasso, and 1901….But Rome gets the nod here…Pop album of the year for sure and this is my favorite song off of “Amadeus”
4. “Never had Nobody Like You” – M. Ward: Light up the chiminea with your girl and put this track on…she will love you…Budweiser has started using the riff in its douchebag commercials, but I support their good taste in music….Oh yeah, Zooey is singing to me on this one…
3. “Would You” – Richard Swift: A scruffy white guy that can croon like he is a 1950s Motown artist….Best love song of the year.
2. “Cold Desert” – Kings of Leon: Eerie beautiful…A lonely, yet epic song that just blows my mind no matter how many times I listen to it…
1. “It Doesn’t Have to be Beautiful, Unless it’s Beautiful” – Slow Club: So good it hurts…download it…please…Chicks singing…Guys Singing…Crazy guitar picking…and a chorus to kill for…
Top 5 Guilty Pleasures
5. Gardening – yeah, the hobby of gardening…when I am not binge drinking in Charleston or arm wrestling for money on the streets, I like to plant annuals, a few perennials, and the occasional herb….my daylilies, my rose, and my crepe myrtle were amazing this year
4. Ally Bank Commercials – The 2 I love are with the girls a) the redhead on the bike b) the pony commercial…The kids are so adorable it almost makes me want to have kids….and the stares the little redhead and the brunette both give the bank guy could get them roles for Firestarter 2….Poor kids…
3. Lady GaGa: “Just Dance” – I have served up many of unsuspected foe to this track… Let’s keep this between me and you…ha…no, seriously, this is between me and you.
2. “The Sing-Off” – The bastards at NBC hooked me with Shawn Stockman…Always had a soft spot for that guy…he was the most underrated Boyz-II-Men singer by far…So I checked it out and the show actually was pretty entertaining putting a-cappella groups against each other to “sing-off” for a $100,000…pretty entertaining…though extremely gay.
1. “Up” …Yeah, the fucking animated movie…its good…quit judging me…
So that is that…I know…I have no humor in this years countdown or hidden agendas…it was pretty weak…my bad…I will try to do better next year…2010 - Year of Rietveld
Sunday, January 10, 2010
Sunday, January 4, 2009
2008 - YEAR-in-REVIEW
Year in Review: 2008
2008 – Year of the Obama. The year we see gas prices soar to new disgusting heights yet we scoff at the idea of cutting our fuel bills in half by utilizing the simple idea of car-pooling. 2008 – the year we see a record number of failed mortgages and foreclosures than ever and instead of blaming our "instant gratification" generation of non-savers we blame the banks and the government for poor lending policies and easy access to huge sums of money. The year none of us has money and in many cases jobs, yet a Wal-Mart security guard is trampled to death opening a store door at 6am on Black Friday…2008 – The year people actually voted. The year we see gay rights get kicked to the curb again across the USA with no valid reason except for a few verses in the Bible that no one seems to be able to recite when asked. The year NPR news is finally happy about an election but quickly reminds us the world is burning up thanks to Hummer emissions. 2008 – The year I realized I would rather date a girl who wears flips flops than one that wears high heels. The year I fell head over heels for Zooey Deschanel. The year I had my first experience with a hemorrhoid…2008 - The year I found myself watching way too much HGTV. The year I wonder who actually buys one of those scary evil monk looking "Snugglies". The year I really started hating the fan in the stands that waves his hands in attempt to pump up the crowd…2008 – The year my mom does it again. 2008 – The year I turned 30…geez.
Anyway, no more time for serious chatter. Its time for my Top 5s for 2008…
Top 5 Goats of 2008 (Aka – morons):
5. John McCain – Some of you guys will be surprised to hear this, but I like John McCain. I like him a lot actually. I voted for him in the 2000 primary and was happy to see him live up to my early prediction and win the 2008 Republican nomination. However, with the biggest decision of his political life looming he goes out binge drinking with Dick Cheney and they conjure up the idea of nominating Sarah Palin for VP. Alcohol is the only rationale reason I can think of why a generally smart individual, such as McCain, would make such a blind, irresponsible decision. Needless to say my vote went to Barack Obama in both the primary and the election.
4. Plaxico Burress – My man carries an illegal weapon into a nightclub and then accidentally shoots himself while busting-a-move. He then compounds this by trying to hide the evidence like he is on an episode of The Sopranos. Even better, dozens of athletes immediately jump to his defense saying they need to carry guns in this crazy day and age. When was the last time you heard of an athlete fending off thugs by filling them up with lead? Exactly.
3. Eliot Spitzer – Granted that prostitute was smoking hot, but for $5000 grand a visit you best be blazing and you best be discrete. Ironically, Governor Spitzer was once a hero for his work in cleaning up the streets and being the "moral crime-buster" of the NYC. Turns out he is one of the biggest dip shits in the state.
2. John Edwards – Dude, really? You would have been the next Vice President of the United States and you decide to go get a piece on the side? Not only that, but your wife was battling cancer during your quickies at the local Red Roof Inn. Not your coworker, cousin, or aunt but your wife. Pathetic. Its amazing the country is so worried about gay Americans destroying families and morality when we have plenty of WASPs destroying homes and spitting on morality left and right (i.e. Edwards, Spitzer).
1. Thomas Ravenel – SC State Treasurer – It is known I despise pretty much every single one of our elected officials here in South Carolina and make no bones about it Lieutenant Governor Andre Bauer is still my most hated politician in the history of poltics. However that being said, with the federal government charging Ravenel on crack distribution he has quickly moved into my #2 spot. Geez man, Crack? Of course, this embarrassment for South Carolina led to the best joke of the year: "You know they named the new Cooper Bridge after Arthur Ravenel….Well they also named the white lines in the middle of the road after his son…"
Top 5 Movies: Once again an overall disappointing year in movies. There are 2 movies I would love to see but typical Columbia, SC has no theatres showing them: Slumdog Millionaire and The Wrestler.
Honorable Mentions – (Movies worth the rent): In Bruges, Burn After Reading, Forgetting Sarah Marshall, 3:10 to Yuma, Darjeeling Limited, Snow Angels)
5. Milk – Just saw it yesterday. Harvey Milk was a pretty incredible person that simply knew how to join people together. Good performances all around and they do a seemingly great job on sticking to the facts of this true story adaptation. Of course, I am always a sucker for Gus Van Sant movies.
4. Juno – (Yeah I know it was technically 2007). Did they use ridiculous vocabulary that few teens can spell much less use in conversation? Yes, but overall I thought it was entertaining. And if you think kids want to have a baby because of that movie then you are an idiot.
3. The Dark Knight – As me and my people predicted this time last year, this movie was incredible and I am glad the rest of you finally saw how awesome Christopher Nolan has made Batman. Ledger deserves all the glory he has received for his role as the Joker. Freaking awesome. Bale of course, once again proves why he was on my Man-Crush list in 2007.
2. Rocket Science – My teenage angst movie of the year. Great flick about a stuttering suburban kid who ends up on a debate team simply because he is in love with a girl. Terribly awkward at times but one of my favorite high school flicks in a long time. Great soundtrack too.
1. Into the Wild – Sean Penn did what I hoped he would. Tell a great coming of age story of adventure while showing the naivete of a young Chris McCandless. Emile Hirsch is the best young actor in Hollywood (Lords of Dogtown, Milk, Dangerous Lives of Alter Boys). Eddie Vedder does a great job moaning, groaning and humming throughout the movie to make a solid soundtrack. Granted I am biased because I loved the story and what this kid did, but it was my favorite movie of the year.
Top 5 Albums of the Year: Not an unbelievably great year for complete albums. A lot of good songs, but few overall great albums by dudes with killer beards.
Honorable Mentions: Blitzen Trapper – Furr, Matt Pryor – Confidence Man, The Grand Archive – The Grand Archive, Matt Pond PA - FreeEp
5. Vampire Weekend – Vampire Weekend: Though sometimes annoying and always over-hyped the boys of Vampire Weekend know how to put out a solid debut album. Catchy, happy-go-lucky tracks that remind you being a freshman in college.
4. She and Him – Volume One: I didn’t trust Jared on this one when it came out, but once I put it in I couldn’t seem to take it out of the cd player. My girl Zooey Deschanel swoons her way through a throwback album that your mom would like. Her voice really isnt very good, in fact I have heard better at Ed Miller’s Karaoke extravaganzas in Clemson and Charelston, but I still love the sound of this album. Maybe because it takes me back to listening to Patsy Cline with my mom while we cleaned the house.
3. Fleet Foxes – Fleet Foxes: The year of bearded rock. This album is ridiculously good. Best vocals of any band out there. You will want to replay this album about 4 times in a row. These guys sing the "whooaa ooohhhh" better than anyone in the business. What is scary is that this album could have been even better. I hope they put out something in 2009 because I have a feeling it will be out of control.
2. Lightspeed Champion – Falling off the Lavender Bridge: I love me some Lightspeed. This is my lyrical album of the year. The young Brit pulls at the strings of your heart with practically every track he records. Very simple songs that bring every regret you have to the forefront of your mind.
1. Bon Iver – For Emma, Forever Ago: A great album that is a classic from the first spin. Dark, melancholy, and simple. Justin Vernon’s voice is unique in a soulful kind of way. He recorded this album in a Wisconsin wood cabin and that’s exactly where it sounds like it was recorded. Put this on by a fire and your night is set.
Top 10 Songs of the Year:
10. "Torn Blue Foam Coach" – The Grand Archives: The west coast Spin-off of the Band of Horses wrote a great album and this is the class of the cd.
9. "How it Ends" – Devotchka: This Russian track came out a few years ago but they re-released it after its success on the "Gears of War" video game commercial. Great ornate haunting song.
8. "You Really Got a Hold on Me" – She and Him: One day Zooey will be singing this song to me at our rehearsal dinner.
7. "Roll On Babe" – Vetiver: Acoustic guitar – check, good chorus – check, right foot tapping – check.
6. For Emma – Bon Iver: More of an instrumental then anything with horns and all. But he throws in a few great lines in between the trumpets… "with all your lies, you’re still very lovable…"
5. "Dry Lips" – Lightspeed Champion: "Tell her, I give up, he’s won, and I have lost all humanity"…geez Dev Hynes. Great, great song.
4. "He Doesn’t Know Why" and "White Winter Hymnal" – Fleet Foxes: You will be singing along by the end of each of these songs.
3. "Lost Coastlines" – Okkervil River: Jared and Brit told me about this head-bobbing track. A coming of age song that should be in every Wes Anderson directed movie.
2. "Skinny Love" and "Flume" – Bon Iver: Just buy the album.
1. "Waiting Game" – Lightspeed Champion: This is pretty much me in a 4 minute song.
Top 5 TV Shows:
Honrable Mentions: Bones, 30 Rock, Boston Legal
5. My Boys – A show no one seems to watch even though Jim Gaffigan’s dry one liners are as good as it gets.
4. Psych – Immature? Yes, but I love it.
3. How I Met Your Mother – No matter what Jared says this show is funny. Too many times they have hit it on the head in terms of the behavior of late 20/early 30 somethings.
2. The Office – Perennial powerhouse. Like I said before, if you don’t think this show is funny then you are not American.
1. The Soup – My man Joel McHale has overtaken The Office as my favorite show. The guy is a role model for our youth.
Top 5 Guilty Pleasures:
5. Facebook: Again, I am 30 what am I doing with my life?
4. McDonald's R&B McNugget Commercial: – Maybe the best commercial on TV. "Woke up and heard you creepin' ....Girl I know your Secret...You got a ten piece, don't be stingy.." That my friend is funny.
3. HGTV – I mentioned it above that I have found myself watching a lot of HGTV in ‘08…over the past year I have learned to design on a dime and how to make my curb appealing all thanks to this cable juggernaut. When the tube is filled with re-runs and no college football then HGTV gets the nod.
2.Kernkraft 400 – "Zombie Natio": You have no idea what that band or that song is do you? Oh contrar monfrar…Guess what you do…it’s the "whoooaa whooooaa ooooohhh whooooaaa ohhhh" song played prior to every Clemson kickoff and in every other college stadium in the country….it’s a terrible song but I love it come kickoff time.
1. Jason Mraz – "I’m Yours": Combine horrible lyrics with a cheesy, yet catchy reggae beat and you have me hook, line, and sinker…damn you jason mraz…
2008 is in the books. Overall it was a good year. My mom beat cancer again. The cup was amazing eventhough it rained and one of my best friends concussed me with a full beer can to the head. A trip to Columbus, Ohio completely changed my view on the worst state in the union. Andrew Allorto had the Oyster Roast of all Oyster Roasts. And some friends got married, others engaged, while a few of us continue to buck the system.
Good Luck in 2009 and hopefully I will see you
2008 – Year of the Obama. The year we see gas prices soar to new disgusting heights yet we scoff at the idea of cutting our fuel bills in half by utilizing the simple idea of car-pooling. 2008 – the year we see a record number of failed mortgages and foreclosures than ever and instead of blaming our "instant gratification" generation of non-savers we blame the banks and the government for poor lending policies and easy access to huge sums of money. The year none of us has money and in many cases jobs, yet a Wal-Mart security guard is trampled to death opening a store door at 6am on Black Friday…2008 – The year people actually voted. The year we see gay rights get kicked to the curb again across the USA with no valid reason except for a few verses in the Bible that no one seems to be able to recite when asked. The year NPR news is finally happy about an election but quickly reminds us the world is burning up thanks to Hummer emissions. 2008 – The year I realized I would rather date a girl who wears flips flops than one that wears high heels. The year I fell head over heels for Zooey Deschanel. The year I had my first experience with a hemorrhoid…2008 - The year I found myself watching way too much HGTV. The year I wonder who actually buys one of those scary evil monk looking "Snugglies". The year I really started hating the fan in the stands that waves his hands in attempt to pump up the crowd…2008 – The year my mom does it again. 2008 – The year I turned 30…geez.
Anyway, no more time for serious chatter. Its time for my Top 5s for 2008…
Top 5 Goats of 2008 (Aka – morons):
5. John McCain – Some of you guys will be surprised to hear this, but I like John McCain. I like him a lot actually. I voted for him in the 2000 primary and was happy to see him live up to my early prediction and win the 2008 Republican nomination. However, with the biggest decision of his political life looming he goes out binge drinking with Dick Cheney and they conjure up the idea of nominating Sarah Palin for VP. Alcohol is the only rationale reason I can think of why a generally smart individual, such as McCain, would make such a blind, irresponsible decision. Needless to say my vote went to Barack Obama in both the primary and the election.
4. Plaxico Burress – My man carries an illegal weapon into a nightclub and then accidentally shoots himself while busting-a-move. He then compounds this by trying to hide the evidence like he is on an episode of The Sopranos. Even better, dozens of athletes immediately jump to his defense saying they need to carry guns in this crazy day and age. When was the last time you heard of an athlete fending off thugs by filling them up with lead? Exactly.
3. Eliot Spitzer – Granted that prostitute was smoking hot, but for $5000 grand a visit you best be blazing and you best be discrete. Ironically, Governor Spitzer was once a hero for his work in cleaning up the streets and being the "moral crime-buster" of the NYC. Turns out he is one of the biggest dip shits in the state.
2. John Edwards – Dude, really? You would have been the next Vice President of the United States and you decide to go get a piece on the side? Not only that, but your wife was battling cancer during your quickies at the local Red Roof Inn. Not your coworker, cousin, or aunt but your wife. Pathetic. Its amazing the country is so worried about gay Americans destroying families and morality when we have plenty of WASPs destroying homes and spitting on morality left and right (i.e. Edwards, Spitzer).
1. Thomas Ravenel – SC State Treasurer – It is known I despise pretty much every single one of our elected officials here in South Carolina and make no bones about it Lieutenant Governor Andre Bauer is still my most hated politician in the history of poltics. However that being said, with the federal government charging Ravenel on crack distribution he has quickly moved into my #2 spot. Geez man, Crack? Of course, this embarrassment for South Carolina led to the best joke of the year: "You know they named the new Cooper Bridge after Arthur Ravenel….Well they also named the white lines in the middle of the road after his son…"
Top 5 Movies: Once again an overall disappointing year in movies. There are 2 movies I would love to see but typical Columbia, SC has no theatres showing them: Slumdog Millionaire and The Wrestler.
Honorable Mentions – (Movies worth the rent): In Bruges, Burn After Reading, Forgetting Sarah Marshall, 3:10 to Yuma, Darjeeling Limited, Snow Angels)
5. Milk – Just saw it yesterday. Harvey Milk was a pretty incredible person that simply knew how to join people together. Good performances all around and they do a seemingly great job on sticking to the facts of this true story adaptation. Of course, I am always a sucker for Gus Van Sant movies.
4. Juno – (Yeah I know it was technically 2007). Did they use ridiculous vocabulary that few teens can spell much less use in conversation? Yes, but overall I thought it was entertaining. And if you think kids want to have a baby because of that movie then you are an idiot.
3. The Dark Knight – As me and my people predicted this time last year, this movie was incredible and I am glad the rest of you finally saw how awesome Christopher Nolan has made Batman. Ledger deserves all the glory he has received for his role as the Joker. Freaking awesome. Bale of course, once again proves why he was on my Man-Crush list in 2007.
2. Rocket Science – My teenage angst movie of the year. Great flick about a stuttering suburban kid who ends up on a debate team simply because he is in love with a girl. Terribly awkward at times but one of my favorite high school flicks in a long time. Great soundtrack too.
1. Into the Wild – Sean Penn did what I hoped he would. Tell a great coming of age story of adventure while showing the naivete of a young Chris McCandless. Emile Hirsch is the best young actor in Hollywood (Lords of Dogtown, Milk, Dangerous Lives of Alter Boys). Eddie Vedder does a great job moaning, groaning and humming throughout the movie to make a solid soundtrack. Granted I am biased because I loved the story and what this kid did, but it was my favorite movie of the year.
Top 5 Albums of the Year: Not an unbelievably great year for complete albums. A lot of good songs, but few overall great albums by dudes with killer beards.
Honorable Mentions: Blitzen Trapper – Furr, Matt Pryor – Confidence Man, The Grand Archive – The Grand Archive, Matt Pond PA - FreeEp
5. Vampire Weekend – Vampire Weekend: Though sometimes annoying and always over-hyped the boys of Vampire Weekend know how to put out a solid debut album. Catchy, happy-go-lucky tracks that remind you being a freshman in college.
4. She and Him – Volume One: I didn’t trust Jared on this one when it came out, but once I put it in I couldn’t seem to take it out of the cd player. My girl Zooey Deschanel swoons her way through a throwback album that your mom would like. Her voice really isnt very good, in fact I have heard better at Ed Miller’s Karaoke extravaganzas in Clemson and Charelston, but I still love the sound of this album. Maybe because it takes me back to listening to Patsy Cline with my mom while we cleaned the house.
3. Fleet Foxes – Fleet Foxes: The year of bearded rock. This album is ridiculously good. Best vocals of any band out there. You will want to replay this album about 4 times in a row. These guys sing the "whooaa ooohhhh" better than anyone in the business. What is scary is that this album could have been even better. I hope they put out something in 2009 because I have a feeling it will be out of control.
2. Lightspeed Champion – Falling off the Lavender Bridge: I love me some Lightspeed. This is my lyrical album of the year. The young Brit pulls at the strings of your heart with practically every track he records. Very simple songs that bring every regret you have to the forefront of your mind.
1. Bon Iver – For Emma, Forever Ago: A great album that is a classic from the first spin. Dark, melancholy, and simple. Justin Vernon’s voice is unique in a soulful kind of way. He recorded this album in a Wisconsin wood cabin and that’s exactly where it sounds like it was recorded. Put this on by a fire and your night is set.
Top 10 Songs of the Year:
10. "Torn Blue Foam Coach" – The Grand Archives: The west coast Spin-off of the Band of Horses wrote a great album and this is the class of the cd.
9. "How it Ends" – Devotchka: This Russian track came out a few years ago but they re-released it after its success on the "Gears of War" video game commercial. Great ornate haunting song.
8. "You Really Got a Hold on Me" – She and Him: One day Zooey will be singing this song to me at our rehearsal dinner.
7. "Roll On Babe" – Vetiver: Acoustic guitar – check, good chorus – check, right foot tapping – check.
6. For Emma – Bon Iver: More of an instrumental then anything with horns and all. But he throws in a few great lines in between the trumpets… "with all your lies, you’re still very lovable…"
5. "Dry Lips" – Lightspeed Champion: "Tell her, I give up, he’s won, and I have lost all humanity"…geez Dev Hynes. Great, great song.
4. "He Doesn’t Know Why" and "White Winter Hymnal" – Fleet Foxes: You will be singing along by the end of each of these songs.
3. "Lost Coastlines" – Okkervil River: Jared and Brit told me about this head-bobbing track. A coming of age song that should be in every Wes Anderson directed movie.
2. "Skinny Love" and "Flume" – Bon Iver: Just buy the album.
1. "Waiting Game" – Lightspeed Champion: This is pretty much me in a 4 minute song.
Top 5 TV Shows:
Honrable Mentions: Bones, 30 Rock, Boston Legal
5. My Boys – A show no one seems to watch even though Jim Gaffigan’s dry one liners are as good as it gets.
4. Psych – Immature? Yes, but I love it.
3. How I Met Your Mother – No matter what Jared says this show is funny. Too many times they have hit it on the head in terms of the behavior of late 20/early 30 somethings.
2. The Office – Perennial powerhouse. Like I said before, if you don’t think this show is funny then you are not American.
1. The Soup – My man Joel McHale has overtaken The Office as my favorite show. The guy is a role model for our youth.
Top 5 Guilty Pleasures:
5. Facebook: Again, I am 30 what am I doing with my life?
4. McDonald's R&B McNugget Commercial: – Maybe the best commercial on TV. "Woke up and heard you creepin' ....Girl I know your Secret...You got a ten piece, don't be stingy.." That my friend is funny.
3. HGTV – I mentioned it above that I have found myself watching a lot of HGTV in ‘08…over the past year I have learned to design on a dime and how to make my curb appealing all thanks to this cable juggernaut. When the tube is filled with re-runs and no college football then HGTV gets the nod.
2.Kernkraft 400 – "Zombie Natio": You have no idea what that band or that song is do you? Oh contrar monfrar…Guess what you do…it’s the "whoooaa whooooaa ooooohhh whooooaaa ohhhh" song played prior to every Clemson kickoff and in every other college stadium in the country….it’s a terrible song but I love it come kickoff time.
1. Jason Mraz – "I’m Yours": Combine horrible lyrics with a cheesy, yet catchy reggae beat and you have me hook, line, and sinker…damn you jason mraz…
2008 is in the books. Overall it was a good year. My mom beat cancer again. The cup was amazing eventhough it rained and one of my best friends concussed me with a full beer can to the head. A trip to Columbus, Ohio completely changed my view on the worst state in the union. Andrew Allorto had the Oyster Roast of all Oyster Roasts. And some friends got married, others engaged, while a few of us continue to buck the system.
Good Luck in 2009 and hopefully I will see you
Saturday, December 13, 2008
2006 Year in Review
what up my people...time has once again come for the Rietveld Top 5s of the Year...It has been an interesting year...I have moved from a virtual paradise (Hilton Head Island) to Lexington, SC which is home to August Kreis and the Arian Nation...yes, the Arian Nation somehow still exist...i have already had a set of parents and their lawyer try to fire me for my "liberal" teaching of human rights, civil rights and gay marriage...this will be my last year teaching so it could be an interesting last semester with the white folk of Lexington...anyway, hope all is well and now as my man Casey Kasem says on with the countdown...
Top 5 People I Would Like to Punch in the Face: New category. This is a category the All Stars have been doing for years and I figured I would go ahead and share mine with you guys this year.
5. Blue Tooth People: Hey buddy, its 11:30pm on a Sunday night and we are in the produce section of Super Wal-Mart...I am pretty sure you aren't trading junk bonds at this hour...we get it, you pawned off your 16V drill and skipped this month's alimony payment and now you have a Star Trek computer chip infecting your ear...Congratulations, you are a bad ass...
4. American Idol Followers: Seriously guys, figure it out...it is karaoke with bright shiny lights, no talent ass clowns and when we are lucky, a cameo from barry manilow...Quite possibly the worst show to ever make more than one season on major network tv, yet the cult like following only gets bigger and bigger each year...Even worse, you nerds always want to tell me how great "last night's episode" was and how talented the "idols" are...After i slap you in the face and walk away, you then ask me to go to the "American Idol" tour coming next month...i need new friends...
3. Rush Limbaugh: The fat fuck is at it again...the perverted drug addict comes out and starts mocking and making fun of my man michael j. fox and his parkinsons disease...are you serious...between American Idol, Rush Followers, and Registered Republican Voters, we are in a heap of trouble in this country...Nobody makes fun of Alex P. Keaton and gets away with it...you got one coming Rush...I have been working out...ever heard of a thing called Jujitsu?
2. George W. Bush: Do I need to say anything here? Yeah, he has gone through some crazy stuff in 6 years and some of it not his fault...but Iraq was his own doing and we are all paying for that now...hopefully a decent candidate will come from one party or the other soon...maybe mccain, obama, keith oberman...i dont know...
1. South Carolina Voters: Its funny, the only country that gets to ignore the UDHR (Universal Declaration of Human Rights) is the United States...Here in South Carolina, the voters came out in hordes to add an even stronger amendment to the state constitution to further reinforce the ban on gay marriage...Listen america, gay or straight, the government should never have the right to tell you who you can or cannot fucking marry...Maybe you don't agree with it religiously or morally, fine, but thats not what this country is all about..Don't let homosexuals get married in your local methodist church..fine...but to deny them the right of marriage makes absolutely no sense and is 100% unconstitutional and against the UN's UDHR.
Now on to less serious stuff...
Top 5 TV Shows: After an amazing year of TV last year, some of my Top 5s from last year took a nose dive in writing, acting, storylines, etc...For example, Nip/Tuck, which i was ridiculously addicted to last year is completely off my list and I may never watch another episode due to dream sequence after dream sequence and sexual escapades with midgets. I wonder what it would be like to bang a midget? Anyway, 24....yes, 24 is off my list...the once unbeatable show just didn't do it for me this past year, maybe the new season coming will get me erect once again...
Honorable Mention - High Stakes Poker: I know, pathetic...but I love this show...how often do you see guys gambling and talking smack to one another while throwing $400,000 down on a Ace/Eight off-suit...great show. Bones - pretty solid show...I love that Dr. Brennan, and What About Brian - about a guy who always comes in second...Yeah, kind of like that Brian you know...Lastly, How I Met Your Mom...Usually pretty funny and surprisingly they always throw some Nada Surf tracks in the background for Jared and me.
5. Grey's Anatomy: Though it hasn't been as solid this past year, its still a pretty strong show week in and week out...Another good soundtrack show...
4. 30 Rock: Best new comedy of the year...love me some Tina Fey and Tracey Morgan is one funny black man...good show
3. Entourage: Still strong...Plus my man "E" was nailing Nikki Hilton in real life...High-five E!
2. Heros: Hands down the best new show of the year...I am addicted and I am pissed I have to wait another week before I know what happens to my little cheerleader...
1. The Office: To all you haters of the Office out there, I have to question not only your sense of humor but also your intelligence...This is the funniest show since Seinfeld...I really don't know where my life would be without this show.
Albums of the Year: Generally this is very simply, but this past year wasn't as fruitful as year's past. Honorable Mention: The Decemberists - "The Crane Wife", Snow Patrol - "Eyes Open"
5. Ben Harper - "Both Sides of the Gun" - my hero is back with a decent double disc release. Side one is jammy and upbeat, while side two is like the acoustic side of the live release of 2001. Nothing like depressing Ben Harper. The show in Charlotte, NC (2000) is still the best live show I have ever seen.
4. Pete Yorn -"Nightcrawler" - Somehow this album slipped past me until this past week. The lady-killer simply known as Pete croons away and makes little girls and myself dream of Pete singing us to sleep.
3. Beck - "The Information" - Does Beck ever fuck up? Well, I still don't know what that "Midnite Vultures" was all about from a few years ago was but other than that he is the coolest musician out there... Mutations and Sea of Changes are still two of my go-to albums...Solid new album.
2 (tie). New Amsterdams - "Story like a Scar" - The side project, now the only project, of former Get Up Kids frontman Matt Pryor is another strong album...Melodic and depressing...that my friend is a deadly combination. The Strokes - "First Impressions of Earth" - The critics didn't really love it, but I did...
1. The Shins - "Wincing the Night Away" - Okay so this album hasn't even come out yet, but my man Jared gave a bj to a Shins groupie to get an advanced copy and it is unbelievably good...not quite as happy go lucky as "Chutes too Narrow" but damned if its not as catchy...you will be singing along by the end of the first spin...
Top 5 Singles (Radio Songs)
Again, not a great year in music but here are my top 5 songs you could hear on the radio on your way to work in the morning. Honorable Mention: Ben Harper - "Waiting for You", Snow Patrol - "Chasing Cars", Death Cab for Cutie - "I will Follow You into the Dark", TVontheRadio - Wolf Like Me
5. Gnarls Barkley - "Crazy" - Sorry I can't help but to like this stupid frat song
4. OK GO - "Here it Goes Again" - My happy go lucky song of the year
3. Beck - "Think I'm in Love" - I know what you mean Beck...I know what you mean...
2. The Strokes - "Razorblade" - Best song on a great album.
1. The Shins - "Phantom Limb" - So damn good. Do yourself a favor and download it now.
This year I refuse to do a Top 5 of Movies of 2006 because they were so damn bad (excluding V for Vendetta and Thank you for Smoking)...Instead, I am going to list my Current Top 5 Movies of All Time.
Top 5 Movies of All Time (I reserve the right to change this list tomorrow or the next)
5 tie. Momento/Star Wars/Big Trouble in Little China/Pulp Fiction/Usual Suspects
4. The Goonies - If this is not in your top 5 then you are not American.
3. Donnie Darko - It surprises me that I have this movie this high...What can I say I love teenage angst and a solid soundtrack. Plus that Jake Gyllenhaal is dreamy.
2. Garden State - Damn that Zach Braff...Replace him with just about any other Hebrew and this movie is unstoppable...The older and more confused I get and the more I watch this flick the better it becomes...Good writing Braff.
1. Fletch - Hands down the best movie ever made...Okay, maybe not but it is my favorite movie ever made...Where would I be without the direction and tutelage of Chevy Chase?
Well 2006 was a pretty eventful year for me. I finally got to see the Strokes live in Charleston, I moved to Columbia for some reason, I became a Born-Again Virgin, and I grew a killer Rat-tail that the ladies love to play with and braid (and when I say ladies I mean my Mom)...I hope all is well across the country. Take care and hope to talk to every one soon.
-Rietveld
Top 5 People I Would Like to Punch in the Face: New category. This is a category the All Stars have been doing for years and I figured I would go ahead and share mine with you guys this year.
5. Blue Tooth People: Hey buddy, its 11:30pm on a Sunday night and we are in the produce section of Super Wal-Mart...I am pretty sure you aren't trading junk bonds at this hour...we get it, you pawned off your 16V drill and skipped this month's alimony payment and now you have a Star Trek computer chip infecting your ear...Congratulations, you are a bad ass...
4. American Idol Followers: Seriously guys, figure it out...it is karaoke with bright shiny lights, no talent ass clowns and when we are lucky, a cameo from barry manilow...Quite possibly the worst show to ever make more than one season on major network tv, yet the cult like following only gets bigger and bigger each year...Even worse, you nerds always want to tell me how great "last night's episode" was and how talented the "idols" are...After i slap you in the face and walk away, you then ask me to go to the "American Idol" tour coming next month...i need new friends...
3. Rush Limbaugh: The fat fuck is at it again...the perverted drug addict comes out and starts mocking and making fun of my man michael j. fox and his parkinsons disease...are you serious...between American Idol, Rush Followers, and Registered Republican Voters, we are in a heap of trouble in this country...Nobody makes fun of Alex P. Keaton and gets away with it...you got one coming Rush...I have been working out...ever heard of a thing called Jujitsu?
2. George W. Bush: Do I need to say anything here? Yeah, he has gone through some crazy stuff in 6 years and some of it not his fault...but Iraq was his own doing and we are all paying for that now...hopefully a decent candidate will come from one party or the other soon...maybe mccain, obama, keith oberman...i dont know...
1. South Carolina Voters: Its funny, the only country that gets to ignore the UDHR (Universal Declaration of Human Rights) is the United States...Here in South Carolina, the voters came out in hordes to add an even stronger amendment to the state constitution to further reinforce the ban on gay marriage...Listen america, gay or straight, the government should never have the right to tell you who you can or cannot fucking marry...Maybe you don't agree with it religiously or morally, fine, but thats not what this country is all about..Don't let homosexuals get married in your local methodist church..fine...but to deny them the right of marriage makes absolutely no sense and is 100% unconstitutional and against the UN's UDHR.
Now on to less serious stuff...
Top 5 TV Shows: After an amazing year of TV last year, some of my Top 5s from last year took a nose dive in writing, acting, storylines, etc...For example, Nip/Tuck, which i was ridiculously addicted to last year is completely off my list and I may never watch another episode due to dream sequence after dream sequence and sexual escapades with midgets. I wonder what it would be like to bang a midget? Anyway, 24....yes, 24 is off my list...the once unbeatable show just didn't do it for me this past year, maybe the new season coming will get me erect once again...
Honorable Mention - High Stakes Poker: I know, pathetic...but I love this show...how often do you see guys gambling and talking smack to one another while throwing $400,000 down on a Ace/Eight off-suit...great show. Bones - pretty solid show...I love that Dr. Brennan, and What About Brian - about a guy who always comes in second...Yeah, kind of like that Brian you know...Lastly, How I Met Your Mom...Usually pretty funny and surprisingly they always throw some Nada Surf tracks in the background for Jared and me.
5. Grey's Anatomy: Though it hasn't been as solid this past year, its still a pretty strong show week in and week out...Another good soundtrack show...
4. 30 Rock: Best new comedy of the year...love me some Tina Fey and Tracey Morgan is one funny black man...good show
3. Entourage: Still strong...Plus my man "E" was nailing Nikki Hilton in real life...High-five E!
2. Heros: Hands down the best new show of the year...I am addicted and I am pissed I have to wait another week before I know what happens to my little cheerleader...
1. The Office: To all you haters of the Office out there, I have to question not only your sense of humor but also your intelligence...This is the funniest show since Seinfeld...I really don't know where my life would be without this show.
Albums of the Year: Generally this is very simply, but this past year wasn't as fruitful as year's past. Honorable Mention: The Decemberists - "The Crane Wife", Snow Patrol - "Eyes Open"
5. Ben Harper - "Both Sides of the Gun" - my hero is back with a decent double disc release. Side one is jammy and upbeat, while side two is like the acoustic side of the live release of 2001. Nothing like depressing Ben Harper. The show in Charlotte, NC (2000) is still the best live show I have ever seen.
4. Pete Yorn -"Nightcrawler" - Somehow this album slipped past me until this past week. The lady-killer simply known as Pete croons away and makes little girls and myself dream of Pete singing us to sleep.
3. Beck - "The Information" - Does Beck ever fuck up? Well, I still don't know what that "Midnite Vultures" was all about from a few years ago was but other than that he is the coolest musician out there... Mutations and Sea of Changes are still two of my go-to albums...Solid new album.
2 (tie). New Amsterdams - "Story like a Scar" - The side project, now the only project, of former Get Up Kids frontman Matt Pryor is another strong album...Melodic and depressing...that my friend is a deadly combination. The Strokes - "First Impressions of Earth" - The critics didn't really love it, but I did...
1. The Shins - "Wincing the Night Away" - Okay so this album hasn't even come out yet, but my man Jared gave a bj to a Shins groupie to get an advanced copy and it is unbelievably good...not quite as happy go lucky as "Chutes too Narrow" but damned if its not as catchy...you will be singing along by the end of the first spin...
Top 5 Singles (Radio Songs)
Again, not a great year in music but here are my top 5 songs you could hear on the radio on your way to work in the morning. Honorable Mention: Ben Harper - "Waiting for You", Snow Patrol - "Chasing Cars", Death Cab for Cutie - "I will Follow You into the Dark", TVontheRadio - Wolf Like Me
5. Gnarls Barkley - "Crazy" - Sorry I can't help but to like this stupid frat song
4. OK GO - "Here it Goes Again" - My happy go lucky song of the year
3. Beck - "Think I'm in Love" - I know what you mean Beck...I know what you mean...
2. The Strokes - "Razorblade" - Best song on a great album.
1. The Shins - "Phantom Limb" - So damn good. Do yourself a favor and download it now.
This year I refuse to do a Top 5 of Movies of 2006 because they were so damn bad (excluding V for Vendetta and Thank you for Smoking)...Instead, I am going to list my Current Top 5 Movies of All Time.
Top 5 Movies of All Time (I reserve the right to change this list tomorrow or the next)
5 tie. Momento/Star Wars/Big Trouble in Little China/Pulp Fiction/Usual Suspects
4. The Goonies - If this is not in your top 5 then you are not American.
3. Donnie Darko - It surprises me that I have this movie this high...What can I say I love teenage angst and a solid soundtrack. Plus that Jake Gyllenhaal is dreamy.
2. Garden State - Damn that Zach Braff...Replace him with just about any other Hebrew and this movie is unstoppable...The older and more confused I get and the more I watch this flick the better it becomes...Good writing Braff.
1. Fletch - Hands down the best movie ever made...Okay, maybe not but it is my favorite movie ever made...Where would I be without the direction and tutelage of Chevy Chase?
Well 2006 was a pretty eventful year for me. I finally got to see the Strokes live in Charleston, I moved to Columbia for some reason, I became a Born-Again Virgin, and I grew a killer Rat-tail that the ladies love to play with and braid (and when I say ladies I mean my Mom)...I hope all is well across the country. Take care and hope to talk to every one soon.
-Rietveld
2007 Year - in - Review
Hello everybody…I hope you all had a solid 2007 and I hope you are now ready for yet another edition of Rietveld's Year-in-Review. Luckily, I am not nearly as pissed off as I was last year at this time, so there will be no Top 5 People I Want to Punch in the Face category (though if I did Josh Groban would be at the top)…However, there are some new editions including books and man-crushes…and I brought back an old classic: Guilty Pleasures.
Quick Personal Updates:
1) My mom is officially bald and beautiful. She is done with Chemotherapy and we should find out very soon that she has once again beat cancer's ass…
2) I hate Lexington, SC and want to move somewhere that doesn't remind me of my left armpit. If you have a job opening for a semi-young, dark haired, blue eyed hunk of a man with alabaster skin to die for then give me a ring…
3) I am still single and good looking…now on with the countdown….
Top 5 TV Shows:
Man I love my DVR. How did we watch TV in the 80s? Without Tivo or DVR it seems like a logistical nightmare. Anyway, another solid year in TV and these are my favorites:
5. Tie: The Soup (E!): Joel McHale – The funniest man on tv.
Heroes (NBC): This show is still solid, though it's losing steam. My prediction is that they will do one more season and then it's toast. By the way, I made out with the Cheerleader at a Christmas kegger last week…She is a surprisingly bad kisser…kind of teethy you know?
4. How I Met Your Mom (CBS): Great cast (outside of the young Bob Sagat). Jason Seigel is always solid whether its in "Knocked Up" or the cult classic show "Freaks and Geeks". Meanwhile, Neil Patrick Harris (Barney) is a comedic genius. Nothing like a gay guy playing a womanizer on national tv. Great show and great music.
3. 30 Rock (NBC): not to be confused with the nauseating 3rd Rock from the Sun (Jared's favorite show – he loves that French Stewart). Hopefully you people will start watching this show so it will not be cancelled. Tracey Morgan and Alec Baldwin are a deadly duo. Also, I want to marry Tina Fey. Seriously I do.
2. Psych (USA): The best show no one knows about. It's on the USA network and is hilarious. If you are between the ages of 25-35 you need to start Tivo-ing this Friday night classic. James Rodayis (Shaun) is the second coming of the mid-80s Chevy Chase. Combine that with Bud from the Cosby Show (Gus) and a perfectly casted Corbin Bernsen (Shaun's Dad) and you have a hit on your hands.
1. The Office (NBC): Best show on tv. As mentioned last year, if you don't like The Office then you are mildly retarded.
Top 5 Movies:
Not sure if it was just a mediocre year at the movies this year or if it was because I just didn't make it to the silver screen very often, but nothing seemed to be to amazing this year.
Movies that almost made the list: Little Children, Chalk, Knocked Up
5. No Country for Old Men – not as great as all the critics are hyping it to be, but still a solid movie.
4. The Departed – best shoot-them-up, "I am a bad mother fucker" movie of the year.
3. Superbad – Kind of scary the parallels in this movie to Jared Curt William, Rah, and me back in the day.
2. Pan's Labyrinth – Great movie. A fairy tale story wrapped around WWII Spain and it works perfectly. Check it out.
1. Last King of Scotland – Forrest Whittaker deserved the Oscar for this one…The Oscars once-in-a-while get one right.
Top 5 Books
I just realized they are all non-fiction.
5. Love is a Mixed Tape – Rob Sheffield: Has its moments but not as good as I thought it would be.
4. I Am America (and so can you) – Stephen Colbert: Funny…You right-wing republicans would love it out there.
3. Busting Vegas – Ben Mezrich: Maybe you gamble and play cards, maybe you don't, but either way you will love this non-fiction tale of sex, drugs, and gambling.
2. Killing Yourself to Live – Chuck Klosterman: Great non-fiction. Death, Drugs, Rock-and-Roll superstars, and of course sex.
1. Into the Wild – Jon Krakauer: I may end up reading this story about 10 times…I wish I could see the movie…I am sure Penn did it justice…Chris McCandless is and will continue to be an American icon.
Top 5 Albums:
Great year in music…finally…
Honorable Mentions: Ben Harper, Radiohead, Jimmy Eat World, Rogue Wave, Iron and Wine, Matt Pond PA, Wilco
5. Travis: The Boy with No Name – What can I say, I am a sucker for British pop. Ending a 4 year hiatus after releasing a very mediocre "12 memories" album, the British band that everyone forgets about comes back with a solid 13 track record that is happy, reflective and inspirational. You can't help but want to have a kid after listening to "My Eyes". Too bad I got my tubes are tied…
4. New Amsterdams: (Killed or Cured/At the Foot of My Rival) – These guys technically put out 3 incredible full-length albums this year and they are planning a huge tour next year (finally) which is long overdue. These guys simply write honest, simple songs that seem to turn into personal anthems after a few spins...if you like simple, acoustic-folk pop you will like these guys…
3. House of Fools: Live and Learn – The best band no one has heard of.
2. Elliott Smith: New Moon – Do yourself a favor; Lie on your bed, turn on the fan and listen to this record straight through and just think…Better yet, buy the actual vinyl and put it on your dad's record player and listen to the album the way it was supposed to be heard…Amazing. A very quiet rendition of some of his classics, combined with unreleased b-sides makes this a must have…It is terribly depressing knowing that this is the last "new" album from my favorite musician.
1. Band of Horse: Cease to Begin – My new favorite band. South Carolina native Ben Bridwell croons you through this beautiful, often melodic and dreamy album. He gets your hands clapping in "General Specific" and then gets you reflecting on your biggest regrets with "Window Blues". Is it as good as "Everything All the Time" (their first album)? Not quite, but its one of the best sophomore albums you will ever hear. Come join us in Charleston, SC on January 20 at the Music Farm…It's going to be ridiculous. My penis is throbbing just thinking about it…
Songs of the Year
Too many good songs for just 5.
10. (tie) Plans for the Future – Said the Whale – Thanks to Jared for this post-punk gem. "I was taught to bottle my emptiness…deal with Quarter-Life angst by painting pictures"
Intervention – Arcade Fire: AF getting super political on "Neon Bible"
Resurrection Fern – Iron Wine – best song on a pretty solid album
9. General Specific – Band of Horses – yep, they made it twice…
8. Sunlight – Matt Pond PA "Wish you would say, when I fuck up, that it's okay"
7. Better Part of Me – House of Fools
6. Nude – Radiohead – eerie beautiful….dream-like track
5. West Coast – Coconut Records – Song reminds me of this amazing girl in Charleston I know…
4. Turn on Me – The Shins "You had to know I was fond of you…Fond of Y-O-U": reminds me a lot of this Columbia, SC girl I kind-of-sorta fell for…but then wanted to put in a headlock.
3. Strangled by the Thought – New Amsterdams – amazingly beautiful and simple song
2. Thirteen – Elliott Smith – "Will you be an outlaw for my love"…seems like I should hear this song in my favorite coffee shop.
1. Window Blues – Band of Horses – this song has caused many a drunken text message, email, or phone call to many a girl from me on a late Saturday night…
Highlights of 2007:
5. 10 Year Reunion - Lugoff-Elgin High School (Camden, SC): Beers, a dancing Jody Wright, Shay Bracey and all her glory, Sandy Epling's shorts, Shaun Worley threatening to kill me if I didn't help clean up…ahhh, great memories…Not going to lie, I was not looking forward to the 10-year reunion, but it turned out to be a great time…Then there was the post-party at Joe and Stephanie Richburgs which was hilarious. Josh Broome and his stories were out-of-control, while the 2 love birds (a certain marine and a certain student-body representative) stole the show with their random hook-up in the living room, so drunk they forgot that Joe had windows installed in his living room…Awesome…MVP: Matthew Branham – because his fiancé is hot…way to go Matt…proud of you kid.
4. Andrews Oyster Roast (Beaufort, SC): As always, a great time at the 3rd Annual Allorto Oyster Roast. Doors were burned, Oysters were shucked, and Wells christened Andrew's brand-spanking new leather Lazy-Boy Chairs - Co-MVPs: Wells/Andrew Wells for breaking in the leather appropriately and Andrew for having yet another awesome party.
3. Florida/USC Tailgate (Columbia, SC): The highlight of this tailgate was CJ Jackson talking smack to 19 year old bow tie sporting frat boys one minute and then feeding beer directly into their veins with his UT Beer Bong the next. MVP: CJ Mother Fucking Jackson
2. New Years Eve (Charleston, SC): Jackie falling directly on her ass at around 12:30 am…A certain friend flashing us her ridiculously awesome tater tots a total of 3 times. Me kissing a fat, slightly sweaty New Jersey girl that may or may not have smelled like bacon for the New Years and Rah talking oh so smooth, as only he can, to the local law enforcement on the way home…great night...MVP: Dr. Rahul K. Gupta
1. Carolina Cup (Camden, SC): ahhh, always my favorite day of the year. Hanukkah in the Spring. This annual event simply gets better and better each year. In fact, I go on record to say this year was the best ever. This year's highlights include Winslow driving down from the worst state in the Union (Ohio), Andrew's red pants, and the Cup MVP Jared Tyler for leading the 1980s hit train sing-along all the way home in Kendell's van. Journey never sounded so good…
Man Crushes:
Okay, contrary to popular belief I am not gay. Just ask that girl from college that I slept with back in 1997. Granted I haven't had sex since that 5-minute odyssey, but I for damn sure proved my heterosexuality that historic Thursday night in Johnstone F-522…But to the point, it is my theory that all men have "man-crushes". These are men that we would love to be best friends with, take Jager-bombs (or Vermouth-bombs) with, debate sports with, or possibly just stroke our hands through their thick hair while getting lost in their beautiful eyes…All men have a few guys they have man-crushes on…they may not admit it but they do. Here are my 5.
5. Jack Johnson – Musician, Surfer, Movie-maker, Music-label owner…Solid resume…oh yeah his new album "drops" in February
4. Tom Brady – He should be on everyone's list
3. Colin Cowherd – ESPN Radio genius. He has the best sports radio show in the land, but his best moments are his takes on life…This guy is brilliant.
2. Christian Bale – smug and arrogant? Yes. Great actor? Yes (sans "Harsh Times")…Was he awesome in "Newsies"? Yes…The next Batman is going to be out-of-control good…Look for it this coming summer.
1. Jason Schwartzman – The coolest Hebrew in the world. Rushmore, Shopgirl, Slackers, Spun…all solid (well maybe not Slackers)…Plus, he can write and/or sing a solid pop song (i.e. West Coast – Coconut Records, California – Phantom Planet)
Guilty Pleasures:
Back by popular demand are my top guilty pleasures of 07. I already feel your eyes judging me…
5. Harry Potter: Again that damn Harry Potter makes the list. Wands, Witches, and a game of Quidditch and I am one happy camper…I may dress up like Harry for the last movie…Does that mean I can make out with a girl that is dressed up like Hermione?
4. Waitress: Yeah it's a chick-flick…my Man-card is now void for one year.
3. Gossip Girl: Okay you got me…I know I am pushing 30 and I am watching a tv show about the quagmires of adolescent youth but I am addicted…oh what channel is it on? I don't have to tell you because you know you watch it too …teenage angst is my heroine…also Josh Schwartz plays some damn good music (Elliott Smith, Band of Horses, and Nada Surf in back-to-back episodes…come on, that's unstoppable).
2. Ruby Tuesday's: Dammit I hate the "Applebee" world of restaurants with a passion, but those Tsunami Shrimp at Ruby's are ridiculous…Don't get me started on their sliders…God Bless Ruby Tuesdays
1. Myspace: Though I know Myspace was designed for 13 year old girls and the child sex predators of the world, I can't seem to leave it…I love seeing what my people are up to (apparently mainly binge drinking and squirting out kids) and what music they are listening to etc…I find myself checking the site like 10 times-a-day…
Another year, another countdown. Don't forget to vote in one of the upcoming SC Primaries. January 19 – Republican, January 26 – Democrat. In my opinion the primaries far outweigh the actual November election, but that's up for debate. Remember: Vote Democrat Vote Right
Quick Personal Updates:
1) My mom is officially bald and beautiful. She is done with Chemotherapy and we should find out very soon that she has once again beat cancer's ass…
2) I hate Lexington, SC and want to move somewhere that doesn't remind me of my left armpit. If you have a job opening for a semi-young, dark haired, blue eyed hunk of a man with alabaster skin to die for then give me a ring…
3) I am still single and good looking…now on with the countdown….
Top 5 TV Shows:
Man I love my DVR. How did we watch TV in the 80s? Without Tivo or DVR it seems like a logistical nightmare. Anyway, another solid year in TV and these are my favorites:
5. Tie: The Soup (E!): Joel McHale – The funniest man on tv.
Heroes (NBC): This show is still solid, though it's losing steam. My prediction is that they will do one more season and then it's toast. By the way, I made out with the Cheerleader at a Christmas kegger last week…She is a surprisingly bad kisser…kind of teethy you know?
4. How I Met Your Mom (CBS): Great cast (outside of the young Bob Sagat). Jason Seigel is always solid whether its in "Knocked Up" or the cult classic show "Freaks and Geeks". Meanwhile, Neil Patrick Harris (Barney) is a comedic genius. Nothing like a gay guy playing a womanizer on national tv. Great show and great music.
3. 30 Rock (NBC): not to be confused with the nauseating 3rd Rock from the Sun (Jared's favorite show – he loves that French Stewart). Hopefully you people will start watching this show so it will not be cancelled. Tracey Morgan and Alec Baldwin are a deadly duo. Also, I want to marry Tina Fey. Seriously I do.
2. Psych (USA): The best show no one knows about. It's on the USA network and is hilarious. If you are between the ages of 25-35 you need to start Tivo-ing this Friday night classic. James Rodayis (Shaun) is the second coming of the mid-80s Chevy Chase. Combine that with Bud from the Cosby Show (Gus) and a perfectly casted Corbin Bernsen (Shaun's Dad) and you have a hit on your hands.
1. The Office (NBC): Best show on tv. As mentioned last year, if you don't like The Office then you are mildly retarded.
Top 5 Movies:
Not sure if it was just a mediocre year at the movies this year or if it was because I just didn't make it to the silver screen very often, but nothing seemed to be to amazing this year.
Movies that almost made the list: Little Children, Chalk, Knocked Up
5. No Country for Old Men – not as great as all the critics are hyping it to be, but still a solid movie.
4. The Departed – best shoot-them-up, "I am a bad mother fucker" movie of the year.
3. Superbad – Kind of scary the parallels in this movie to Jared Curt William, Rah, and me back in the day.
2. Pan's Labyrinth – Great movie. A fairy tale story wrapped around WWII Spain and it works perfectly. Check it out.
1. Last King of Scotland – Forrest Whittaker deserved the Oscar for this one…The Oscars once-in-a-while get one right.
Top 5 Books
I just realized they are all non-fiction.
5. Love is a Mixed Tape – Rob Sheffield: Has its moments but not as good as I thought it would be.
4. I Am America (and so can you) – Stephen Colbert: Funny…You right-wing republicans would love it out there.
3. Busting Vegas – Ben Mezrich: Maybe you gamble and play cards, maybe you don't, but either way you will love this non-fiction tale of sex, drugs, and gambling.
2. Killing Yourself to Live – Chuck Klosterman: Great non-fiction. Death, Drugs, Rock-and-Roll superstars, and of course sex.
1. Into the Wild – Jon Krakauer: I may end up reading this story about 10 times…I wish I could see the movie…I am sure Penn did it justice…Chris McCandless is and will continue to be an American icon.
Top 5 Albums:
Great year in music…finally…
Honorable Mentions: Ben Harper, Radiohead, Jimmy Eat World, Rogue Wave, Iron and Wine, Matt Pond PA, Wilco
5. Travis: The Boy with No Name – What can I say, I am a sucker for British pop. Ending a 4 year hiatus after releasing a very mediocre "12 memories" album, the British band that everyone forgets about comes back with a solid 13 track record that is happy, reflective and inspirational. You can't help but want to have a kid after listening to "My Eyes". Too bad I got my tubes are tied…
4. New Amsterdams: (Killed or Cured/At the Foot of My Rival) – These guys technically put out 3 incredible full-length albums this year and they are planning a huge tour next year (finally) which is long overdue. These guys simply write honest, simple songs that seem to turn into personal anthems after a few spins...if you like simple, acoustic-folk pop you will like these guys…
3. House of Fools: Live and Learn – The best band no one has heard of.
2. Elliott Smith: New Moon – Do yourself a favor; Lie on your bed, turn on the fan and listen to this record straight through and just think…Better yet, buy the actual vinyl and put it on your dad's record player and listen to the album the way it was supposed to be heard…Amazing. A very quiet rendition of some of his classics, combined with unreleased b-sides makes this a must have…It is terribly depressing knowing that this is the last "new" album from my favorite musician.
1. Band of Horse: Cease to Begin – My new favorite band. South Carolina native Ben Bridwell croons you through this beautiful, often melodic and dreamy album. He gets your hands clapping in "General Specific" and then gets you reflecting on your biggest regrets with "Window Blues". Is it as good as "Everything All the Time" (their first album)? Not quite, but its one of the best sophomore albums you will ever hear. Come join us in Charleston, SC on January 20 at the Music Farm…It's going to be ridiculous. My penis is throbbing just thinking about it…
Songs of the Year
Too many good songs for just 5.
10. (tie) Plans for the Future – Said the Whale – Thanks to Jared for this post-punk gem. "I was taught to bottle my emptiness…deal with Quarter-Life angst by painting pictures"
Intervention – Arcade Fire: AF getting super political on "Neon Bible"
Resurrection Fern – Iron Wine – best song on a pretty solid album
9. General Specific – Band of Horses – yep, they made it twice…
8. Sunlight – Matt Pond PA "Wish you would say, when I fuck up, that it's okay"
7. Better Part of Me – House of Fools
6. Nude – Radiohead – eerie beautiful….dream-like track
5. West Coast – Coconut Records – Song reminds me of this amazing girl in Charleston I know…
4. Turn on Me – The Shins "You had to know I was fond of you…Fond of Y-O-U": reminds me a lot of this Columbia, SC girl I kind-of-sorta fell for…but then wanted to put in a headlock.
3. Strangled by the Thought – New Amsterdams – amazingly beautiful and simple song
2. Thirteen – Elliott Smith – "Will you be an outlaw for my love"…seems like I should hear this song in my favorite coffee shop.
1. Window Blues – Band of Horses – this song has caused many a drunken text message, email, or phone call to many a girl from me on a late Saturday night…
Highlights of 2007:
5. 10 Year Reunion - Lugoff-Elgin High School (Camden, SC): Beers, a dancing Jody Wright, Shay Bracey and all her glory, Sandy Epling's shorts, Shaun Worley threatening to kill me if I didn't help clean up…ahhh, great memories…Not going to lie, I was not looking forward to the 10-year reunion, but it turned out to be a great time…Then there was the post-party at Joe and Stephanie Richburgs which was hilarious. Josh Broome and his stories were out-of-control, while the 2 love birds (a certain marine and a certain student-body representative) stole the show with their random hook-up in the living room, so drunk they forgot that Joe had windows installed in his living room…Awesome…MVP: Matthew Branham – because his fiancé is hot…way to go Matt…proud of you kid.
4. Andrews Oyster Roast (Beaufort, SC): As always, a great time at the 3rd Annual Allorto Oyster Roast. Doors were burned, Oysters were shucked, and Wells christened Andrew's brand-spanking new leather Lazy-Boy Chairs - Co-MVPs: Wells/Andrew Wells for breaking in the leather appropriately and Andrew for having yet another awesome party.
3. Florida/USC Tailgate (Columbia, SC): The highlight of this tailgate was CJ Jackson talking smack to 19 year old bow tie sporting frat boys one minute and then feeding beer directly into their veins with his UT Beer Bong the next. MVP: CJ Mother Fucking Jackson
2. New Years Eve (Charleston, SC): Jackie falling directly on her ass at around 12:30 am…A certain friend flashing us her ridiculously awesome tater tots a total of 3 times. Me kissing a fat, slightly sweaty New Jersey girl that may or may not have smelled like bacon for the New Years and Rah talking oh so smooth, as only he can, to the local law enforcement on the way home…great night...MVP: Dr. Rahul K. Gupta
1. Carolina Cup (Camden, SC): ahhh, always my favorite day of the year. Hanukkah in the Spring. This annual event simply gets better and better each year. In fact, I go on record to say this year was the best ever. This year's highlights include Winslow driving down from the worst state in the Union (Ohio), Andrew's red pants, and the Cup MVP Jared Tyler for leading the 1980s hit train sing-along all the way home in Kendell's van. Journey never sounded so good…
Man Crushes:
Okay, contrary to popular belief I am not gay. Just ask that girl from college that I slept with back in 1997. Granted I haven't had sex since that 5-minute odyssey, but I for damn sure proved my heterosexuality that historic Thursday night in Johnstone F-522…But to the point, it is my theory that all men have "man-crushes". These are men that we would love to be best friends with, take Jager-bombs (or Vermouth-bombs) with, debate sports with, or possibly just stroke our hands through their thick hair while getting lost in their beautiful eyes…All men have a few guys they have man-crushes on…they may not admit it but they do. Here are my 5.
5. Jack Johnson – Musician, Surfer, Movie-maker, Music-label owner…Solid resume…oh yeah his new album "drops" in February
4. Tom Brady – He should be on everyone's list
3. Colin Cowherd – ESPN Radio genius. He has the best sports radio show in the land, but his best moments are his takes on life…This guy is brilliant.
2. Christian Bale – smug and arrogant? Yes. Great actor? Yes (sans "Harsh Times")…Was he awesome in "Newsies"? Yes…The next Batman is going to be out-of-control good…Look for it this coming summer.
1. Jason Schwartzman – The coolest Hebrew in the world. Rushmore, Shopgirl, Slackers, Spun…all solid (well maybe not Slackers)…Plus, he can write and/or sing a solid pop song (i.e. West Coast – Coconut Records, California – Phantom Planet)
Guilty Pleasures:
Back by popular demand are my top guilty pleasures of 07. I already feel your eyes judging me…
5. Harry Potter: Again that damn Harry Potter makes the list. Wands, Witches, and a game of Quidditch and I am one happy camper…I may dress up like Harry for the last movie…Does that mean I can make out with a girl that is dressed up like Hermione?
4. Waitress: Yeah it's a chick-flick…my Man-card is now void for one year.
3. Gossip Girl: Okay you got me…I know I am pushing 30 and I am watching a tv show about the quagmires of adolescent youth but I am addicted…oh what channel is it on? I don't have to tell you because you know you watch it too …teenage angst is my heroine…also Josh Schwartz plays some damn good music (Elliott Smith, Band of Horses, and Nada Surf in back-to-back episodes…come on, that's unstoppable).
2. Ruby Tuesday's: Dammit I hate the "Applebee" world of restaurants with a passion, but those Tsunami Shrimp at Ruby's are ridiculous…Don't get me started on their sliders…God Bless Ruby Tuesdays
1. Myspace: Though I know Myspace was designed for 13 year old girls and the child sex predators of the world, I can't seem to leave it…I love seeing what my people are up to (apparently mainly binge drinking and squirting out kids) and what music they are listening to etc…I find myself checking the site like 10 times-a-day…
Another year, another countdown. Don't forget to vote in one of the upcoming SC Primaries. January 19 – Republican, January 26 – Democrat. In my opinion the primaries far outweigh the actual November election, but that's up for debate. Remember: Vote Democrat Vote Right
underratted-overrated
So an ass clown sports editor up here in Columbia, SC wrote a very simple article yesterday titled, "Underrated/Overrated". His article was horribly done, but it did get me to thinking of my own Underrated/Overrated list. Here we go.
Underrated: The Girl driving an early 1990s white or black Volvo. There is something terribly sexy about this Girl. I may never put my finger on it completely, but every girl I have passed driving one of these Swedish machines has hooked me line and sinker with their en vogue sunglass, political bumper sticks, and looking amazing while sipping on their iced coffee...
Overrated: The Girl driving a convertible anything. As you go for the pass and you see locks of blonde hair dancing in the wind your mind begins racing through the many hot possibilities this girls face will possess...Beautiful lips, dimples, perfect teeth, etc...As you pull equal and eagerly await the turn of her chick, you ignore speed limits, off ramps, and possibly even motorcyclists....Then she turns and stares you in the face with her googley eye and two chins, as she exhales her Newport, and your foot turns into lead.
Underrated: Any White/Wheat Ale. I have become addicted to any brewery's white ale. My favorite may actually be the Liberty Tap Room's. Orgasmic it is. I am usually against fruit and beer....but the orange plus wheat beer equals love and harmony.
Overrated: Grand Marnier. Listen people, you are not suppose to shoot "Grandma"...in fact, I am not sure you are even suppose to drink it. Its best use is for fueling Kerosene Heaters or starting your grill...not being guzzled out of a dirty shot-glass at room temperature...I feel my ribs cracking just thinking about it.
Underrated: The Girl running on the side of the road. Unlike Convertible Girl, this girl never seems to disappoint. Just the girl's humble attempt to get into shape is a turn-on. This Girl has caused wrecks across the country. God bless you running girl.
Overrated: Hooters Girl. I was dragged to Hooters against my will last month during training for work and quickly my low expectations weren't even met. The girls at Hooters are rarely attractive, much less good servers. Top that with food that I could buy in a bag from Piggly Wiggly's frozen food section and you have yourself a very mediocre experience. These girls think they are smoking hot, otherwise how would they have gotten the job...at least that is their mentality....Unfortunately, just like when your mom used to tell you you could sing, the managers are telling them they are hot...Also unfortunate is that Hooters was created by a Clemson grad...hence the orange...
Underrated: Grocery Shopping. There are few things I enjoy more than going to my local, over-priced grocery store with my iPod on and surveying canned foods and baby spinach expiration dates. As sad as it is, its one of my favorite events to take part in each week. I swear a single's mixer night at a Whole Foods or even a Publix would be awesome...Throw in a wine tasting and good music, and you have a hit on your hands. Mark my words...
Overrated: Walmart. Need I say more. I respect the late Sam Walton, but the store that bears his name can go to hell.
Underrated: How I Met Your Mom. The show is seemingly written by a bunch of average middle class white guys...I guess thats what makes it great. Check it out if you get a chance on CBS. Most episodes are based on an event that has happened to you at least once.
Overrated: ER. Did this show get cancelled ten years ago and somebody forget to tell the cast? Seriously who watches this show in 2008? I would rather NBC put Days of Our Lives on prime time than ER. At least that show is believeable. Though I hate that Victor Kiriakis. Damn you Kiriakis...Damn you.
Underrated: Brian Rietveld. Have you seen him lately...He is all bronzed and tone...Don't know how that kid does it.
Overrated: Brad Pitt. Are you serious...Just look at the god awful movies he has starred in: Seven, Snatch, A River Runs Through It...give me a break...
Anyway, that is my Underrated/Overrated list for now. I hope all is well with you all. Let me know what you think is Underrated/Overrated.
Underrated: The Girl driving an early 1990s white or black Volvo. There is something terribly sexy about this Girl. I may never put my finger on it completely, but every girl I have passed driving one of these Swedish machines has hooked me line and sinker with their en vogue sunglass, political bumper sticks, and looking amazing while sipping on their iced coffee...
Overrated: The Girl driving a convertible anything. As you go for the pass and you see locks of blonde hair dancing in the wind your mind begins racing through the many hot possibilities this girls face will possess...Beautiful lips, dimples, perfect teeth, etc...As you pull equal and eagerly await the turn of her chick, you ignore speed limits, off ramps, and possibly even motorcyclists....Then she turns and stares you in the face with her googley eye and two chins, as she exhales her Newport, and your foot turns into lead.
Underrated: Any White/Wheat Ale. I have become addicted to any brewery's white ale. My favorite may actually be the Liberty Tap Room's. Orgasmic it is. I am usually against fruit and beer....but the orange plus wheat beer equals love and harmony.
Overrated: Grand Marnier. Listen people, you are not suppose to shoot "Grandma"...in fact, I am not sure you are even suppose to drink it. Its best use is for fueling Kerosene Heaters or starting your grill...not being guzzled out of a dirty shot-glass at room temperature...I feel my ribs cracking just thinking about it.
Underrated: The Girl running on the side of the road. Unlike Convertible Girl, this girl never seems to disappoint. Just the girl's humble attempt to get into shape is a turn-on. This Girl has caused wrecks across the country. God bless you running girl.
Overrated: Hooters Girl. I was dragged to Hooters against my will last month during training for work and quickly my low expectations weren't even met. The girls at Hooters are rarely attractive, much less good servers. Top that with food that I could buy in a bag from Piggly Wiggly's frozen food section and you have yourself a very mediocre experience. These girls think they are smoking hot, otherwise how would they have gotten the job...at least that is their mentality....Unfortunately, just like when your mom used to tell you you could sing, the managers are telling them they are hot...Also unfortunate is that Hooters was created by a Clemson grad...hence the orange...
Underrated: Grocery Shopping. There are few things I enjoy more than going to my local, over-priced grocery store with my iPod on and surveying canned foods and baby spinach expiration dates. As sad as it is, its one of my favorite events to take part in each week. I swear a single's mixer night at a Whole Foods or even a Publix would be awesome...Throw in a wine tasting and good music, and you have a hit on your hands. Mark my words...
Overrated: Walmart. Need I say more. I respect the late Sam Walton, but the store that bears his name can go to hell.
Underrated: How I Met Your Mom. The show is seemingly written by a bunch of average middle class white guys...I guess thats what makes it great. Check it out if you get a chance on CBS. Most episodes are based on an event that has happened to you at least once.
Overrated: ER. Did this show get cancelled ten years ago and somebody forget to tell the cast? Seriously who watches this show in 2008? I would rather NBC put Days of Our Lives on prime time than ER. At least that show is believeable. Though I hate that Victor Kiriakis. Damn you Kiriakis...Damn you.
Underrated: Brian Rietveld. Have you seen him lately...He is all bronzed and tone...Don't know how that kid does it.
Overrated: Brad Pitt. Are you serious...Just look at the god awful movies he has starred in: Seven, Snatch, A River Runs Through It...give me a break...
Anyway, that is my Underrated/Overrated list for now. I hope all is well with you all. Let me know what you think is Underrated/Overrated.
Rietveld Becomes a Man
The Day I became a Man
So last weekend I became a man. Did I lose my virginity? No…Still waiting there. I got my first hemorrhoid. Nothing says man more than hemorrhoid. Since I had no prior experience with this manly pain, I sent various emails and text messages to the burliest friends that I have. They all agreed on one remedy…Preparation-H Wipes…Now the question was simple, yet complicated…How can I possibly go into a public drug store and purchase these miracle tissues for the holiest of body parts? Simply put, this is way more embarrassing than buying prophylactics…My mind paged through the stores that have "self-checkout" stations. The only option for self-checkout was Wal-Mart. Since I live in Lexington, South Carolina, Wal-Mart is the equivalent to a Mexico City discotheque…Meaning you go to Wal-Mart to be seen and catch up with your old friends from church. Needless to say I didn't want anyone (especially one of my students) seeing me cruise through Wal-Mart with a 12-pack of Green Lightning soda and a package of 48 life saving butt wipes. Option 2 – Maybe there is a website? Terrible idea, I can't get Preparation H via mail. What was I thinking? Option 3 - I could go to a CVS/WalGreens out of Lexington city limits…Would it still be embarrassing? Yes, but at least I would be unknown and I could get in and out without recognition and minimize my shame.
So the next day after work I go to a CVS in West Columbia with a simple game plan in my head: get in and get out. I would shop faster than I ever have before in my life as if I was a contestant on The Supermarket Sweep. The rules were direct and to the point. 1) Head down at all times. 2) Buy something manly besides the wipes to make it seem that I was shopping for something else and just happen to remember I need some ass cream. 3) Act like I am talking on the phone during the checkout to keep the process as quick, painless and impersonal as possible with the sales clerk.
I pull into the CVS and am happy to see a fairly vacant parking lot. I walk in and the search begins for this miracle drug. A few minutes pass and I still haven't found the wipes and I begin to worry…Could I have possibly walked into the one CVS in the world that doesn't carry hemorrhoid products? Time is ticking and more customers file into what is now the busiest drugstore in the world.
A female worker stops me and asks me what I am looking for. I tell her I am browsing….Who the hell browses at a drug store? No one…When you go to a drugstore you are on a mission, its not like when you fall into the Gap and you are browsing for another overpriced pair of flat-front khakis. The blue uniformed lady finally leaves me alone and my eyes begin scanning like they never have before.
Aisle after Aisle I walk but to no avail. Where is this wipe of life? I text some friends on where to look but no one answers…I am on my own in this retail nightmare. While searching I pickup a Mens Health magazine and a lemon-lime Gatorade. A manly magazine and a manly drink to help me get through the checkout process that looms ahead.
Then finally the miracle happens. Right beside the condoms I find 2 shelves filled with ointments (what a terrible word by the way), creams, sprays, and wipes. Name brands, generic brands, and organic brands fill the shelves and my head with confusion. Do I go with the wipes that were recommended or do I get an organic balm? Do I buy a proven, well-trusted name brand or do I go generic and save 55 cents with my CVS card?
While I ponder this crucial decision the very cute, late 20s pharmacist hollers at me from her elevated throne that overlooks the most critical items in the store: Trojans and Preparation-H. "Do you need any help?"….Fuck, this is exactly what I was scared of…She obviously see what I am looking at buying…I took too long in my decision and now I am paying the price. I first pretend I don't hear her. But this pharmacist has it in for me, "Sir, are you finding everything ok?" …Dammit women leave me alone… "yeah, I am just browsing.." Because who doesn't read the active ingredients in hemorrhoid medication to pass time…
I quickly snatch the generic wipes and head for the counter. The same blue-cladded worker that interrogated me earlier is now working the register. I wait for the line to disappear before I make my move. I hide the wipes under the "Abs-in-30 Seconds" magazine, also known as Men's Health in hopes that she will somehow miss them and put them into the bag. To my dismay she finds the CVS Hemorrhoidal Soothing Wipes and she looks up at me with a smirk. I feel her eyes laughing at the my most intimate of pains as the red laser scans the barcode. I forgot to do the fake phone call…I am an idiot. This 30-second checkout is taking 4 years. My check card has already been swiped and the password accepted and my head stays down in shame. I am waiting for the Gatorade to hit the bag and for "Janice" the CVS torturer to hit the debit button on the register so my time in purgatory will finally come to an end.
She prints the receipt and hands me my bag and I power-walk to my car. It's finally over. I take a deep breath when I hit the seat of my car and I put on Bruce Springstein's "Born to Run" and sing along. Brian Rietveld is now a man.
So last weekend I became a man. Did I lose my virginity? No…Still waiting there. I got my first hemorrhoid. Nothing says man more than hemorrhoid. Since I had no prior experience with this manly pain, I sent various emails and text messages to the burliest friends that I have. They all agreed on one remedy…Preparation-H Wipes…Now the question was simple, yet complicated…How can I possibly go into a public drug store and purchase these miracle tissues for the holiest of body parts? Simply put, this is way more embarrassing than buying prophylactics…My mind paged through the stores that have "self-checkout" stations. The only option for self-checkout was Wal-Mart. Since I live in Lexington, South Carolina, Wal-Mart is the equivalent to a Mexico City discotheque…Meaning you go to Wal-Mart to be seen and catch up with your old friends from church. Needless to say I didn't want anyone (especially one of my students) seeing me cruise through Wal-Mart with a 12-pack of Green Lightning soda and a package of 48 life saving butt wipes. Option 2 – Maybe there is a website? Terrible idea, I can't get Preparation H via mail. What was I thinking? Option 3 - I could go to a CVS/WalGreens out of Lexington city limits…Would it still be embarrassing? Yes, but at least I would be unknown and I could get in and out without recognition and minimize my shame.
So the next day after work I go to a CVS in West Columbia with a simple game plan in my head: get in and get out. I would shop faster than I ever have before in my life as if I was a contestant on The Supermarket Sweep. The rules were direct and to the point. 1) Head down at all times. 2) Buy something manly besides the wipes to make it seem that I was shopping for something else and just happen to remember I need some ass cream. 3) Act like I am talking on the phone during the checkout to keep the process as quick, painless and impersonal as possible with the sales clerk.
I pull into the CVS and am happy to see a fairly vacant parking lot. I walk in and the search begins for this miracle drug. A few minutes pass and I still haven't found the wipes and I begin to worry…Could I have possibly walked into the one CVS in the world that doesn't carry hemorrhoid products? Time is ticking and more customers file into what is now the busiest drugstore in the world.
A female worker stops me and asks me what I am looking for. I tell her I am browsing….Who the hell browses at a drug store? No one…When you go to a drugstore you are on a mission, its not like when you fall into the Gap and you are browsing for another overpriced pair of flat-front khakis. The blue uniformed lady finally leaves me alone and my eyes begin scanning like they never have before.
Aisle after Aisle I walk but to no avail. Where is this wipe of life? I text some friends on where to look but no one answers…I am on my own in this retail nightmare. While searching I pickup a Mens Health magazine and a lemon-lime Gatorade. A manly magazine and a manly drink to help me get through the checkout process that looms ahead.
Then finally the miracle happens. Right beside the condoms I find 2 shelves filled with ointments (what a terrible word by the way), creams, sprays, and wipes. Name brands, generic brands, and organic brands fill the shelves and my head with confusion. Do I go with the wipes that were recommended or do I get an organic balm? Do I buy a proven, well-trusted name brand or do I go generic and save 55 cents with my CVS card?
While I ponder this crucial decision the very cute, late 20s pharmacist hollers at me from her elevated throne that overlooks the most critical items in the store: Trojans and Preparation-H. "Do you need any help?"….Fuck, this is exactly what I was scared of…She obviously see what I am looking at buying…I took too long in my decision and now I am paying the price. I first pretend I don't hear her. But this pharmacist has it in for me, "Sir, are you finding everything ok?" …Dammit women leave me alone… "yeah, I am just browsing.." Because who doesn't read the active ingredients in hemorrhoid medication to pass time…
I quickly snatch the generic wipes and head for the counter. The same blue-cladded worker that interrogated me earlier is now working the register. I wait for the line to disappear before I make my move. I hide the wipes under the "Abs-in-30 Seconds" magazine, also known as Men's Health in hopes that she will somehow miss them and put them into the bag. To my dismay she finds the CVS Hemorrhoidal Soothing Wipes and she looks up at me with a smirk. I feel her eyes laughing at the my most intimate of pains as the red laser scans the barcode. I forgot to do the fake phone call…I am an idiot. This 30-second checkout is taking 4 years. My check card has already been swiped and the password accepted and my head stays down in shame. I am waiting for the Gatorade to hit the bag and for "Janice" the CVS torturer to hit the debit button on the register so my time in purgatory will finally come to an end.
She prints the receipt and hands me my bag and I power-walk to my car. It's finally over. I take a deep breath when I hit the seat of my car and I put on Bruce Springstein's "Born to Run" and sing along. Brian Rietveld is now a man.
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)
