Rietveld Becomes a Man

The Day I became a Man

So last weekend I became a man. Did I lose my virginity? No…Still waiting there. I got my first hemorrhoid. Nothing says man more than hemorrhoid. Since I had no prior experience with this manly pain, I sent various emails and text messages to the burliest friends that I have. They all agreed on one remedy…Preparation-H Wipes…Now the question was simple, yet complicated…How can I possibly go into a public drug store and purchase these miracle tissues for the holiest of body parts? Simply put, this is way more embarrassing than buying prophylactics…My mind paged through the stores that have "self-checkout" stations. The only option for self-checkout was Wal-Mart. Since I live in Lexington, South Carolina, Wal-Mart is the equivalent to a Mexico City discotheque…Meaning you go to Wal-Mart to be seen and catch up with your old friends from church. Needless to say I didn't want anyone (especially one of my students) seeing me cruise through Wal-Mart with a 12-pack of Green Lightning soda and a package of 48 life saving butt wipes. Option 2 – Maybe there is a website? Terrible idea, I can't get Preparation H via mail. What was I thinking? Option 3 - I could go to a CVS/WalGreens out of Lexington city limits…Would it still be embarrassing? Yes, but at least I would be unknown and I could get in and out without recognition and minimize my shame.

So the next day after work I go to a CVS in West Columbia with a simple game plan in my head: get in and get out. I would shop faster than I ever have before in my life as if I was a contestant on The Supermarket Sweep. The rules were direct and to the point. 1) Head down at all times. 2) Buy something manly besides the wipes to make it seem that I was shopping for something else and just happen to remember I need some ass cream. 3) Act like I am talking on the phone during the checkout to keep the process as quick, painless and impersonal as possible with the sales clerk.

I pull into the CVS and am happy to see a fairly vacant parking lot. I walk in and the search begins for this miracle drug. A few minutes pass and I still haven't found the wipes and I begin to worry…Could I have possibly walked into the one CVS in the world that doesn't carry hemorrhoid products? Time is ticking and more customers file into what is now the busiest drugstore in the world.

A female worker stops me and asks me what I am looking for. I tell her I am browsing….Who the hell browses at a drug store? No one…When you go to a drugstore you are on a mission, its not like when you fall into the Gap and you are browsing for another overpriced pair of flat-front khakis. The blue uniformed lady finally leaves me alone and my eyes begin scanning like they never have before.

Aisle after Aisle I walk but to no avail. Where is this wipe of life? I text some friends on where to look but no one answers…I am on my own in this retail nightmare. While searching I pickup a Mens Health magazine and a lemon-lime Gatorade. A manly magazine and a manly drink to help me get through the checkout process that looms ahead.

Then finally the miracle happens. Right beside the condoms I find 2 shelves filled with ointments (what a terrible word by the way), creams, sprays, and wipes. Name brands, generic brands, and organic brands fill the shelves and my head with confusion. Do I go with the wipes that were recommended or do I get an organic balm? Do I buy a proven, well-trusted name brand or do I go generic and save 55 cents with my CVS card?

While I ponder this crucial decision the very cute, late 20s pharmacist hollers at me from her elevated throne that overlooks the most critical items in the store: Trojans and Preparation-H. "Do you need any help?"….Fuck, this is exactly what I was scared of…She obviously see what I am looking at buying…I took too long in my decision and now I am paying the price. I first pretend I don't hear her. But this pharmacist has it in for me, "Sir, are you finding everything ok?" …Dammit women leave me alone… "yeah, I am just browsing.." Because who doesn't read the active ingredients in hemorrhoid medication to pass time…

I quickly snatch the generic wipes and head for the counter. The same blue-cladded worker that interrogated me earlier is now working the register. I wait for the line to disappear before I make my move. I hide the wipes under the "Abs-in-30 Seconds" magazine, also known as Men's Health in hopes that she will somehow miss them and put them into the bag. To my dismay she finds the CVS Hemorrhoidal Soothing Wipes and she looks up at me with a smirk. I feel her eyes laughing at the my most intimate of pains as the red laser scans the barcode. I forgot to do the fake phone call…I am an idiot. This 30-second checkout is taking 4 years. My check card has already been swiped and the password accepted and my head stays down in shame. I am waiting for the Gatorade to hit the bag and for "Janice" the CVS torturer to hit the debit button on the register so my time in purgatory will finally come to an end.

She prints the receipt and hands me my bag and I power-walk to my car. It's finally over. I take a deep breath when I hit the seat of my car and I put on Bruce Springstein's "Born to Run" and sing along. Brian Rietveld is now a man.