Saturday, December 13, 2008
2006 Year in Review
what up my people...time has once again come for the Rietveld Top 5s of the Year...It has been an interesting year...I have moved from a virtual paradise (Hilton Head Island) to Lexington, SC which is home to August Kreis and the Arian Nation...yes, the Arian Nation somehow still exist...i have already had a set of parents and their lawyer try to fire me for my "liberal" teaching of human rights, civil rights and gay marriage...this will be my last year teaching so it could be an interesting last semester with the white folk of Lexington...anyway, hope all is well and now as my man Casey Kasem says on with the countdown...
Top 5 People I Would Like to Punch in the Face: New category. This is a category the All Stars have been doing for years and I figured I would go ahead and share mine with you guys this year.
5. Blue Tooth People: Hey buddy, its 11:30pm on a Sunday night and we are in the produce section of Super Wal-Mart...I am pretty sure you aren't trading junk bonds at this hour...we get it, you pawned off your 16V drill and skipped this month's alimony payment and now you have a Star Trek computer chip infecting your ear...Congratulations, you are a bad ass...
4. American Idol Followers: Seriously guys, figure it out...it is karaoke with bright shiny lights, no talent ass clowns and when we are lucky, a cameo from barry manilow...Quite possibly the worst show to ever make more than one season on major network tv, yet the cult like following only gets bigger and bigger each year...Even worse, you nerds always want to tell me how great "last night's episode" was and how talented the "idols" are...After i slap you in the face and walk away, you then ask me to go to the "American Idol" tour coming next month...i need new friends...
3. Rush Limbaugh: The fat fuck is at it again...the perverted drug addict comes out and starts mocking and making fun of my man michael j. fox and his parkinsons disease...are you serious...between American Idol, Rush Followers, and Registered Republican Voters, we are in a heap of trouble in this country...Nobody makes fun of Alex P. Keaton and gets away with it...you got one coming Rush...I have been working out...ever heard of a thing called Jujitsu?
2. George W. Bush: Do I need to say anything here? Yeah, he has gone through some crazy stuff in 6 years and some of it not his fault...but Iraq was his own doing and we are all paying for that now...hopefully a decent candidate will come from one party or the other soon...maybe mccain, obama, keith oberman...i dont know...
1. South Carolina Voters: Its funny, the only country that gets to ignore the UDHR (Universal Declaration of Human Rights) is the United States...Here in South Carolina, the voters came out in hordes to add an even stronger amendment to the state constitution to further reinforce the ban on gay marriage...Listen america, gay or straight, the government should never have the right to tell you who you can or cannot fucking marry...Maybe you don't agree with it religiously or morally, fine, but thats not what this country is all about..Don't let homosexuals get married in your local methodist church..fine...but to deny them the right of marriage makes absolutely no sense and is 100% unconstitutional and against the UN's UDHR.
Now on to less serious stuff...
Top 5 TV Shows: After an amazing year of TV last year, some of my Top 5s from last year took a nose dive in writing, acting, storylines, etc...For example, Nip/Tuck, which i was ridiculously addicted to last year is completely off my list and I may never watch another episode due to dream sequence after dream sequence and sexual escapades with midgets. I wonder what it would be like to bang a midget? Anyway, 24....yes, 24 is off my list...the once unbeatable show just didn't do it for me this past year, maybe the new season coming will get me erect once again...
Honorable Mention - High Stakes Poker: I know, pathetic...but I love this show...how often do you see guys gambling and talking smack to one another while throwing $400,000 down on a Ace/Eight off-suit...great show. Bones - pretty solid show...I love that Dr. Brennan, and What About Brian - about a guy who always comes in second...Yeah, kind of like that Brian you know...Lastly, How I Met Your Mom...Usually pretty funny and surprisingly they always throw some Nada Surf tracks in the background for Jared and me.
5. Grey's Anatomy: Though it hasn't been as solid this past year, its still a pretty strong show week in and week out...Another good soundtrack show...
4. 30 Rock: Best new comedy of the year...love me some Tina Fey and Tracey Morgan is one funny black man...good show
3. Entourage: Still strong...Plus my man "E" was nailing Nikki Hilton in real life...High-five E!
2. Heros: Hands down the best new show of the year...I am addicted and I am pissed I have to wait another week before I know what happens to my little cheerleader...
1. The Office: To all you haters of the Office out there, I have to question not only your sense of humor but also your intelligence...This is the funniest show since Seinfeld...I really don't know where my life would be without this show.
Albums of the Year: Generally this is very simply, but this past year wasn't as fruitful as year's past. Honorable Mention: The Decemberists - "The Crane Wife", Snow Patrol - "Eyes Open"
5. Ben Harper - "Both Sides of the Gun" - my hero is back with a decent double disc release. Side one is jammy and upbeat, while side two is like the acoustic side of the live release of 2001. Nothing like depressing Ben Harper. The show in Charlotte, NC (2000) is still the best live show I have ever seen.
4. Pete Yorn -"Nightcrawler" - Somehow this album slipped past me until this past week. The lady-killer simply known as Pete croons away and makes little girls and myself dream of Pete singing us to sleep.
3. Beck - "The Information" - Does Beck ever fuck up? Well, I still don't know what that "Midnite Vultures" was all about from a few years ago was but other than that he is the coolest musician out there... Mutations and Sea of Changes are still two of my go-to albums...Solid new album.
2 (tie). New Amsterdams - "Story like a Scar" - The side project, now the only project, of former Get Up Kids frontman Matt Pryor is another strong album...Melodic and depressing...that my friend is a deadly combination. The Strokes - "First Impressions of Earth" - The critics didn't really love it, but I did...
1. The Shins - "Wincing the Night Away" - Okay so this album hasn't even come out yet, but my man Jared gave a bj to a Shins groupie to get an advanced copy and it is unbelievably good...not quite as happy go lucky as "Chutes too Narrow" but damned if its not as catchy...you will be singing along by the end of the first spin...
Top 5 Singles (Radio Songs)
Again, not a great year in music but here are my top 5 songs you could hear on the radio on your way to work in the morning. Honorable Mention: Ben Harper - "Waiting for You", Snow Patrol - "Chasing Cars", Death Cab for Cutie - "I will Follow You into the Dark", TVontheRadio - Wolf Like Me
5. Gnarls Barkley - "Crazy" - Sorry I can't help but to like this stupid frat song
4. OK GO - "Here it Goes Again" - My happy go lucky song of the year
3. Beck - "Think I'm in Love" - I know what you mean Beck...I know what you mean...
2. The Strokes - "Razorblade" - Best song on a great album.
1. The Shins - "Phantom Limb" - So damn good. Do yourself a favor and download it now.
This year I refuse to do a Top 5 of Movies of 2006 because they were so damn bad (excluding V for Vendetta and Thank you for Smoking)...Instead, I am going to list my Current Top 5 Movies of All Time.
Top 5 Movies of All Time (I reserve the right to change this list tomorrow or the next)
5 tie. Momento/Star Wars/Big Trouble in Little China/Pulp Fiction/Usual Suspects
4. The Goonies - If this is not in your top 5 then you are not American.
3. Donnie Darko - It surprises me that I have this movie this high...What can I say I love teenage angst and a solid soundtrack. Plus that Jake Gyllenhaal is dreamy.
2. Garden State - Damn that Zach Braff...Replace him with just about any other Hebrew and this movie is unstoppable...The older and more confused I get and the more I watch this flick the better it becomes...Good writing Braff.
1. Fletch - Hands down the best movie ever made...Okay, maybe not but it is my favorite movie ever made...Where would I be without the direction and tutelage of Chevy Chase?
Well 2006 was a pretty eventful year for me. I finally got to see the Strokes live in Charleston, I moved to Columbia for some reason, I became a Born-Again Virgin, and I grew a killer Rat-tail that the ladies love to play with and braid (and when I say ladies I mean my Mom)...I hope all is well across the country. Take care and hope to talk to every one soon.
-Rietveld
Top 5 People I Would Like to Punch in the Face: New category. This is a category the All Stars have been doing for years and I figured I would go ahead and share mine with you guys this year.
5. Blue Tooth People: Hey buddy, its 11:30pm on a Sunday night and we are in the produce section of Super Wal-Mart...I am pretty sure you aren't trading junk bonds at this hour...we get it, you pawned off your 16V drill and skipped this month's alimony payment and now you have a Star Trek computer chip infecting your ear...Congratulations, you are a bad ass...
4. American Idol Followers: Seriously guys, figure it out...it is karaoke with bright shiny lights, no talent ass clowns and when we are lucky, a cameo from barry manilow...Quite possibly the worst show to ever make more than one season on major network tv, yet the cult like following only gets bigger and bigger each year...Even worse, you nerds always want to tell me how great "last night's episode" was and how talented the "idols" are...After i slap you in the face and walk away, you then ask me to go to the "American Idol" tour coming next month...i need new friends...
3. Rush Limbaugh: The fat fuck is at it again...the perverted drug addict comes out and starts mocking and making fun of my man michael j. fox and his parkinsons disease...are you serious...between American Idol, Rush Followers, and Registered Republican Voters, we are in a heap of trouble in this country...Nobody makes fun of Alex P. Keaton and gets away with it...you got one coming Rush...I have been working out...ever heard of a thing called Jujitsu?
2. George W. Bush: Do I need to say anything here? Yeah, he has gone through some crazy stuff in 6 years and some of it not his fault...but Iraq was his own doing and we are all paying for that now...hopefully a decent candidate will come from one party or the other soon...maybe mccain, obama, keith oberman...i dont know...
1. South Carolina Voters: Its funny, the only country that gets to ignore the UDHR (Universal Declaration of Human Rights) is the United States...Here in South Carolina, the voters came out in hordes to add an even stronger amendment to the state constitution to further reinforce the ban on gay marriage...Listen america, gay or straight, the government should never have the right to tell you who you can or cannot fucking marry...Maybe you don't agree with it religiously or morally, fine, but thats not what this country is all about..Don't let homosexuals get married in your local methodist church..fine...but to deny them the right of marriage makes absolutely no sense and is 100% unconstitutional and against the UN's UDHR.
Now on to less serious stuff...
Top 5 TV Shows: After an amazing year of TV last year, some of my Top 5s from last year took a nose dive in writing, acting, storylines, etc...For example, Nip/Tuck, which i was ridiculously addicted to last year is completely off my list and I may never watch another episode due to dream sequence after dream sequence and sexual escapades with midgets. I wonder what it would be like to bang a midget? Anyway, 24....yes, 24 is off my list...the once unbeatable show just didn't do it for me this past year, maybe the new season coming will get me erect once again...
Honorable Mention - High Stakes Poker: I know, pathetic...but I love this show...how often do you see guys gambling and talking smack to one another while throwing $400,000 down on a Ace/Eight off-suit...great show. Bones - pretty solid show...I love that Dr. Brennan, and What About Brian - about a guy who always comes in second...Yeah, kind of like that Brian you know...Lastly, How I Met Your Mom...Usually pretty funny and surprisingly they always throw some Nada Surf tracks in the background for Jared and me.
5. Grey's Anatomy: Though it hasn't been as solid this past year, its still a pretty strong show week in and week out...Another good soundtrack show...
4. 30 Rock: Best new comedy of the year...love me some Tina Fey and Tracey Morgan is one funny black man...good show
3. Entourage: Still strong...Plus my man "E" was nailing Nikki Hilton in real life...High-five E!
2. Heros: Hands down the best new show of the year...I am addicted and I am pissed I have to wait another week before I know what happens to my little cheerleader...
1. The Office: To all you haters of the Office out there, I have to question not only your sense of humor but also your intelligence...This is the funniest show since Seinfeld...I really don't know where my life would be without this show.
Albums of the Year: Generally this is very simply, but this past year wasn't as fruitful as year's past. Honorable Mention: The Decemberists - "The Crane Wife", Snow Patrol - "Eyes Open"
5. Ben Harper - "Both Sides of the Gun" - my hero is back with a decent double disc release. Side one is jammy and upbeat, while side two is like the acoustic side of the live release of 2001. Nothing like depressing Ben Harper. The show in Charlotte, NC (2000) is still the best live show I have ever seen.
4. Pete Yorn -"Nightcrawler" - Somehow this album slipped past me until this past week. The lady-killer simply known as Pete croons away and makes little girls and myself dream of Pete singing us to sleep.
3. Beck - "The Information" - Does Beck ever fuck up? Well, I still don't know what that "Midnite Vultures" was all about from a few years ago was but other than that he is the coolest musician out there... Mutations and Sea of Changes are still two of my go-to albums...Solid new album.
2 (tie). New Amsterdams - "Story like a Scar" - The side project, now the only project, of former Get Up Kids frontman Matt Pryor is another strong album...Melodic and depressing...that my friend is a deadly combination. The Strokes - "First Impressions of Earth" - The critics didn't really love it, but I did...
1. The Shins - "Wincing the Night Away" - Okay so this album hasn't even come out yet, but my man Jared gave a bj to a Shins groupie to get an advanced copy and it is unbelievably good...not quite as happy go lucky as "Chutes too Narrow" but damned if its not as catchy...you will be singing along by the end of the first spin...
Top 5 Singles (Radio Songs)
Again, not a great year in music but here are my top 5 songs you could hear on the radio on your way to work in the morning. Honorable Mention: Ben Harper - "Waiting for You", Snow Patrol - "Chasing Cars", Death Cab for Cutie - "I will Follow You into the Dark", TVontheRadio - Wolf Like Me
5. Gnarls Barkley - "Crazy" - Sorry I can't help but to like this stupid frat song
4. OK GO - "Here it Goes Again" - My happy go lucky song of the year
3. Beck - "Think I'm in Love" - I know what you mean Beck...I know what you mean...
2. The Strokes - "Razorblade" - Best song on a great album.
1. The Shins - "Phantom Limb" - So damn good. Do yourself a favor and download it now.
This year I refuse to do a Top 5 of Movies of 2006 because they were so damn bad (excluding V for Vendetta and Thank you for Smoking)...Instead, I am going to list my Current Top 5 Movies of All Time.
Top 5 Movies of All Time (I reserve the right to change this list tomorrow or the next)
5 tie. Momento/Star Wars/Big Trouble in Little China/Pulp Fiction/Usual Suspects
4. The Goonies - If this is not in your top 5 then you are not American.
3. Donnie Darko - It surprises me that I have this movie this high...What can I say I love teenage angst and a solid soundtrack. Plus that Jake Gyllenhaal is dreamy.
2. Garden State - Damn that Zach Braff...Replace him with just about any other Hebrew and this movie is unstoppable...The older and more confused I get and the more I watch this flick the better it becomes...Good writing Braff.
1. Fletch - Hands down the best movie ever made...Okay, maybe not but it is my favorite movie ever made...Where would I be without the direction and tutelage of Chevy Chase?
Well 2006 was a pretty eventful year for me. I finally got to see the Strokes live in Charleston, I moved to Columbia for some reason, I became a Born-Again Virgin, and I grew a killer Rat-tail that the ladies love to play with and braid (and when I say ladies I mean my Mom)...I hope all is well across the country. Take care and hope to talk to every one soon.
-Rietveld
2007 Year - in - Review
Hello everybody…I hope you all had a solid 2007 and I hope you are now ready for yet another edition of Rietveld's Year-in-Review. Luckily, I am not nearly as pissed off as I was last year at this time, so there will be no Top 5 People I Want to Punch in the Face category (though if I did Josh Groban would be at the top)…However, there are some new editions including books and man-crushes…and I brought back an old classic: Guilty Pleasures.
Quick Personal Updates:
1) My mom is officially bald and beautiful. She is done with Chemotherapy and we should find out very soon that she has once again beat cancer's ass…
2) I hate Lexington, SC and want to move somewhere that doesn't remind me of my left armpit. If you have a job opening for a semi-young, dark haired, blue eyed hunk of a man with alabaster skin to die for then give me a ring…
3) I am still single and good looking…now on with the countdown….
Top 5 TV Shows:
Man I love my DVR. How did we watch TV in the 80s? Without Tivo or DVR it seems like a logistical nightmare. Anyway, another solid year in TV and these are my favorites:
5. Tie: The Soup (E!): Joel McHale – The funniest man on tv.
Heroes (NBC): This show is still solid, though it's losing steam. My prediction is that they will do one more season and then it's toast. By the way, I made out with the Cheerleader at a Christmas kegger last week…She is a surprisingly bad kisser…kind of teethy you know?
4. How I Met Your Mom (CBS): Great cast (outside of the young Bob Sagat). Jason Seigel is always solid whether its in "Knocked Up" or the cult classic show "Freaks and Geeks". Meanwhile, Neil Patrick Harris (Barney) is a comedic genius. Nothing like a gay guy playing a womanizer on national tv. Great show and great music.
3. 30 Rock (NBC): not to be confused with the nauseating 3rd Rock from the Sun (Jared's favorite show – he loves that French Stewart). Hopefully you people will start watching this show so it will not be cancelled. Tracey Morgan and Alec Baldwin are a deadly duo. Also, I want to marry Tina Fey. Seriously I do.
2. Psych (USA): The best show no one knows about. It's on the USA network and is hilarious. If you are between the ages of 25-35 you need to start Tivo-ing this Friday night classic. James Rodayis (Shaun) is the second coming of the mid-80s Chevy Chase. Combine that with Bud from the Cosby Show (Gus) and a perfectly casted Corbin Bernsen (Shaun's Dad) and you have a hit on your hands.
1. The Office (NBC): Best show on tv. As mentioned last year, if you don't like The Office then you are mildly retarded.
Top 5 Movies:
Not sure if it was just a mediocre year at the movies this year or if it was because I just didn't make it to the silver screen very often, but nothing seemed to be to amazing this year.
Movies that almost made the list: Little Children, Chalk, Knocked Up
5. No Country for Old Men – not as great as all the critics are hyping it to be, but still a solid movie.
4. The Departed – best shoot-them-up, "I am a bad mother fucker" movie of the year.
3. Superbad – Kind of scary the parallels in this movie to Jared Curt William, Rah, and me back in the day.
2. Pan's Labyrinth – Great movie. A fairy tale story wrapped around WWII Spain and it works perfectly. Check it out.
1. Last King of Scotland – Forrest Whittaker deserved the Oscar for this one…The Oscars once-in-a-while get one right.
Top 5 Books
I just realized they are all non-fiction.
5. Love is a Mixed Tape – Rob Sheffield: Has its moments but not as good as I thought it would be.
4. I Am America (and so can you) – Stephen Colbert: Funny…You right-wing republicans would love it out there.
3. Busting Vegas – Ben Mezrich: Maybe you gamble and play cards, maybe you don't, but either way you will love this non-fiction tale of sex, drugs, and gambling.
2. Killing Yourself to Live – Chuck Klosterman: Great non-fiction. Death, Drugs, Rock-and-Roll superstars, and of course sex.
1. Into the Wild – Jon Krakauer: I may end up reading this story about 10 times…I wish I could see the movie…I am sure Penn did it justice…Chris McCandless is and will continue to be an American icon.
Top 5 Albums:
Great year in music…finally…
Honorable Mentions: Ben Harper, Radiohead, Jimmy Eat World, Rogue Wave, Iron and Wine, Matt Pond PA, Wilco
5. Travis: The Boy with No Name – What can I say, I am a sucker for British pop. Ending a 4 year hiatus after releasing a very mediocre "12 memories" album, the British band that everyone forgets about comes back with a solid 13 track record that is happy, reflective and inspirational. You can't help but want to have a kid after listening to "My Eyes". Too bad I got my tubes are tied…
4. New Amsterdams: (Killed or Cured/At the Foot of My Rival) – These guys technically put out 3 incredible full-length albums this year and they are planning a huge tour next year (finally) which is long overdue. These guys simply write honest, simple songs that seem to turn into personal anthems after a few spins...if you like simple, acoustic-folk pop you will like these guys…
3. House of Fools: Live and Learn – The best band no one has heard of.
2. Elliott Smith: New Moon – Do yourself a favor; Lie on your bed, turn on the fan and listen to this record straight through and just think…Better yet, buy the actual vinyl and put it on your dad's record player and listen to the album the way it was supposed to be heard…Amazing. A very quiet rendition of some of his classics, combined with unreleased b-sides makes this a must have…It is terribly depressing knowing that this is the last "new" album from my favorite musician.
1. Band of Horse: Cease to Begin – My new favorite band. South Carolina native Ben Bridwell croons you through this beautiful, often melodic and dreamy album. He gets your hands clapping in "General Specific" and then gets you reflecting on your biggest regrets with "Window Blues". Is it as good as "Everything All the Time" (their first album)? Not quite, but its one of the best sophomore albums you will ever hear. Come join us in Charleston, SC on January 20 at the Music Farm…It's going to be ridiculous. My penis is throbbing just thinking about it…
Songs of the Year
Too many good songs for just 5.
10. (tie) Plans for the Future – Said the Whale – Thanks to Jared for this post-punk gem. "I was taught to bottle my emptiness…deal with Quarter-Life angst by painting pictures"
Intervention – Arcade Fire: AF getting super political on "Neon Bible"
Resurrection Fern – Iron Wine – best song on a pretty solid album
9. General Specific – Band of Horses – yep, they made it twice…
8. Sunlight – Matt Pond PA "Wish you would say, when I fuck up, that it's okay"
7. Better Part of Me – House of Fools
6. Nude – Radiohead – eerie beautiful….dream-like track
5. West Coast – Coconut Records – Song reminds me of this amazing girl in Charleston I know…
4. Turn on Me – The Shins "You had to know I was fond of you…Fond of Y-O-U": reminds me a lot of this Columbia, SC girl I kind-of-sorta fell for…but then wanted to put in a headlock.
3. Strangled by the Thought – New Amsterdams – amazingly beautiful and simple song
2. Thirteen – Elliott Smith – "Will you be an outlaw for my love"…seems like I should hear this song in my favorite coffee shop.
1. Window Blues – Band of Horses – this song has caused many a drunken text message, email, or phone call to many a girl from me on a late Saturday night…
Highlights of 2007:
5. 10 Year Reunion - Lugoff-Elgin High School (Camden, SC): Beers, a dancing Jody Wright, Shay Bracey and all her glory, Sandy Epling's shorts, Shaun Worley threatening to kill me if I didn't help clean up…ahhh, great memories…Not going to lie, I was not looking forward to the 10-year reunion, but it turned out to be a great time…Then there was the post-party at Joe and Stephanie Richburgs which was hilarious. Josh Broome and his stories were out-of-control, while the 2 love birds (a certain marine and a certain student-body representative) stole the show with their random hook-up in the living room, so drunk they forgot that Joe had windows installed in his living room…Awesome…MVP: Matthew Branham – because his fiancé is hot…way to go Matt…proud of you kid.
4. Andrews Oyster Roast (Beaufort, SC): As always, a great time at the 3rd Annual Allorto Oyster Roast. Doors were burned, Oysters were shucked, and Wells christened Andrew's brand-spanking new leather Lazy-Boy Chairs - Co-MVPs: Wells/Andrew Wells for breaking in the leather appropriately and Andrew for having yet another awesome party.
3. Florida/USC Tailgate (Columbia, SC): The highlight of this tailgate was CJ Jackson talking smack to 19 year old bow tie sporting frat boys one minute and then feeding beer directly into their veins with his UT Beer Bong the next. MVP: CJ Mother Fucking Jackson
2. New Years Eve (Charleston, SC): Jackie falling directly on her ass at around 12:30 am…A certain friend flashing us her ridiculously awesome tater tots a total of 3 times. Me kissing a fat, slightly sweaty New Jersey girl that may or may not have smelled like bacon for the New Years and Rah talking oh so smooth, as only he can, to the local law enforcement on the way home…great night...MVP: Dr. Rahul K. Gupta
1. Carolina Cup (Camden, SC): ahhh, always my favorite day of the year. Hanukkah in the Spring. This annual event simply gets better and better each year. In fact, I go on record to say this year was the best ever. This year's highlights include Winslow driving down from the worst state in the Union (Ohio), Andrew's red pants, and the Cup MVP Jared Tyler for leading the 1980s hit train sing-along all the way home in Kendell's van. Journey never sounded so good…
Man Crushes:
Okay, contrary to popular belief I am not gay. Just ask that girl from college that I slept with back in 1997. Granted I haven't had sex since that 5-minute odyssey, but I for damn sure proved my heterosexuality that historic Thursday night in Johnstone F-522…But to the point, it is my theory that all men have "man-crushes". These are men that we would love to be best friends with, take Jager-bombs (or Vermouth-bombs) with, debate sports with, or possibly just stroke our hands through their thick hair while getting lost in their beautiful eyes…All men have a few guys they have man-crushes on…they may not admit it but they do. Here are my 5.
5. Jack Johnson – Musician, Surfer, Movie-maker, Music-label owner…Solid resume…oh yeah his new album "drops" in February
4. Tom Brady – He should be on everyone's list
3. Colin Cowherd – ESPN Radio genius. He has the best sports radio show in the land, but his best moments are his takes on life…This guy is brilliant.
2. Christian Bale – smug and arrogant? Yes. Great actor? Yes (sans "Harsh Times")…Was he awesome in "Newsies"? Yes…The next Batman is going to be out-of-control good…Look for it this coming summer.
1. Jason Schwartzman – The coolest Hebrew in the world. Rushmore, Shopgirl, Slackers, Spun…all solid (well maybe not Slackers)…Plus, he can write and/or sing a solid pop song (i.e. West Coast – Coconut Records, California – Phantom Planet)
Guilty Pleasures:
Back by popular demand are my top guilty pleasures of 07. I already feel your eyes judging me…
5. Harry Potter: Again that damn Harry Potter makes the list. Wands, Witches, and a game of Quidditch and I am one happy camper…I may dress up like Harry for the last movie…Does that mean I can make out with a girl that is dressed up like Hermione?
4. Waitress: Yeah it's a chick-flick…my Man-card is now void for one year.
3. Gossip Girl: Okay you got me…I know I am pushing 30 and I am watching a tv show about the quagmires of adolescent youth but I am addicted…oh what channel is it on? I don't have to tell you because you know you watch it too …teenage angst is my heroine…also Josh Schwartz plays some damn good music (Elliott Smith, Band of Horses, and Nada Surf in back-to-back episodes…come on, that's unstoppable).
2. Ruby Tuesday's: Dammit I hate the "Applebee" world of restaurants with a passion, but those Tsunami Shrimp at Ruby's are ridiculous…Don't get me started on their sliders…God Bless Ruby Tuesdays
1. Myspace: Though I know Myspace was designed for 13 year old girls and the child sex predators of the world, I can't seem to leave it…I love seeing what my people are up to (apparently mainly binge drinking and squirting out kids) and what music they are listening to etc…I find myself checking the site like 10 times-a-day…
Another year, another countdown. Don't forget to vote in one of the upcoming SC Primaries. January 19 – Republican, January 26 – Democrat. In my opinion the primaries far outweigh the actual November election, but that's up for debate. Remember: Vote Democrat Vote Right
Quick Personal Updates:
1) My mom is officially bald and beautiful. She is done with Chemotherapy and we should find out very soon that she has once again beat cancer's ass…
2) I hate Lexington, SC and want to move somewhere that doesn't remind me of my left armpit. If you have a job opening for a semi-young, dark haired, blue eyed hunk of a man with alabaster skin to die for then give me a ring…
3) I am still single and good looking…now on with the countdown….
Top 5 TV Shows:
Man I love my DVR. How did we watch TV in the 80s? Without Tivo or DVR it seems like a logistical nightmare. Anyway, another solid year in TV and these are my favorites:
5. Tie: The Soup (E!): Joel McHale – The funniest man on tv.
Heroes (NBC): This show is still solid, though it's losing steam. My prediction is that they will do one more season and then it's toast. By the way, I made out with the Cheerleader at a Christmas kegger last week…She is a surprisingly bad kisser…kind of teethy you know?
4. How I Met Your Mom (CBS): Great cast (outside of the young Bob Sagat). Jason Seigel is always solid whether its in "Knocked Up" or the cult classic show "Freaks and Geeks". Meanwhile, Neil Patrick Harris (Barney) is a comedic genius. Nothing like a gay guy playing a womanizer on national tv. Great show and great music.
3. 30 Rock (NBC): not to be confused with the nauseating 3rd Rock from the Sun (Jared's favorite show – he loves that French Stewart). Hopefully you people will start watching this show so it will not be cancelled. Tracey Morgan and Alec Baldwin are a deadly duo. Also, I want to marry Tina Fey. Seriously I do.
2. Psych (USA): The best show no one knows about. It's on the USA network and is hilarious. If you are between the ages of 25-35 you need to start Tivo-ing this Friday night classic. James Rodayis (Shaun) is the second coming of the mid-80s Chevy Chase. Combine that with Bud from the Cosby Show (Gus) and a perfectly casted Corbin Bernsen (Shaun's Dad) and you have a hit on your hands.
1. The Office (NBC): Best show on tv. As mentioned last year, if you don't like The Office then you are mildly retarded.
Top 5 Movies:
Not sure if it was just a mediocre year at the movies this year or if it was because I just didn't make it to the silver screen very often, but nothing seemed to be to amazing this year.
Movies that almost made the list: Little Children, Chalk, Knocked Up
5. No Country for Old Men – not as great as all the critics are hyping it to be, but still a solid movie.
4. The Departed – best shoot-them-up, "I am a bad mother fucker" movie of the year.
3. Superbad – Kind of scary the parallels in this movie to Jared Curt William, Rah, and me back in the day.
2. Pan's Labyrinth – Great movie. A fairy tale story wrapped around WWII Spain and it works perfectly. Check it out.
1. Last King of Scotland – Forrest Whittaker deserved the Oscar for this one…The Oscars once-in-a-while get one right.
Top 5 Books
I just realized they are all non-fiction.
5. Love is a Mixed Tape – Rob Sheffield: Has its moments but not as good as I thought it would be.
4. I Am America (and so can you) – Stephen Colbert: Funny…You right-wing republicans would love it out there.
3. Busting Vegas – Ben Mezrich: Maybe you gamble and play cards, maybe you don't, but either way you will love this non-fiction tale of sex, drugs, and gambling.
2. Killing Yourself to Live – Chuck Klosterman: Great non-fiction. Death, Drugs, Rock-and-Roll superstars, and of course sex.
1. Into the Wild – Jon Krakauer: I may end up reading this story about 10 times…I wish I could see the movie…I am sure Penn did it justice…Chris McCandless is and will continue to be an American icon.
Top 5 Albums:
Great year in music…finally…
Honorable Mentions: Ben Harper, Radiohead, Jimmy Eat World, Rogue Wave, Iron and Wine, Matt Pond PA, Wilco
5. Travis: The Boy with No Name – What can I say, I am a sucker for British pop. Ending a 4 year hiatus after releasing a very mediocre "12 memories" album, the British band that everyone forgets about comes back with a solid 13 track record that is happy, reflective and inspirational. You can't help but want to have a kid after listening to "My Eyes". Too bad I got my tubes are tied…
4. New Amsterdams: (Killed or Cured/At the Foot of My Rival) – These guys technically put out 3 incredible full-length albums this year and they are planning a huge tour next year (finally) which is long overdue. These guys simply write honest, simple songs that seem to turn into personal anthems after a few spins...if you like simple, acoustic-folk pop you will like these guys…
3. House of Fools: Live and Learn – The best band no one has heard of.
2. Elliott Smith: New Moon – Do yourself a favor; Lie on your bed, turn on the fan and listen to this record straight through and just think…Better yet, buy the actual vinyl and put it on your dad's record player and listen to the album the way it was supposed to be heard…Amazing. A very quiet rendition of some of his classics, combined with unreleased b-sides makes this a must have…It is terribly depressing knowing that this is the last "new" album from my favorite musician.
1. Band of Horse: Cease to Begin – My new favorite band. South Carolina native Ben Bridwell croons you through this beautiful, often melodic and dreamy album. He gets your hands clapping in "General Specific" and then gets you reflecting on your biggest regrets with "Window Blues". Is it as good as "Everything All the Time" (their first album)? Not quite, but its one of the best sophomore albums you will ever hear. Come join us in Charleston, SC on January 20 at the Music Farm…It's going to be ridiculous. My penis is throbbing just thinking about it…
Songs of the Year
Too many good songs for just 5.
10. (tie) Plans for the Future – Said the Whale – Thanks to Jared for this post-punk gem. "I was taught to bottle my emptiness…deal with Quarter-Life angst by painting pictures"
Intervention – Arcade Fire: AF getting super political on "Neon Bible"
Resurrection Fern – Iron Wine – best song on a pretty solid album
9. General Specific – Band of Horses – yep, they made it twice…
8. Sunlight – Matt Pond PA "Wish you would say, when I fuck up, that it's okay"
7. Better Part of Me – House of Fools
6. Nude – Radiohead – eerie beautiful….dream-like track
5. West Coast – Coconut Records – Song reminds me of this amazing girl in Charleston I know…
4. Turn on Me – The Shins "You had to know I was fond of you…Fond of Y-O-U": reminds me a lot of this Columbia, SC girl I kind-of-sorta fell for…but then wanted to put in a headlock.
3. Strangled by the Thought – New Amsterdams – amazingly beautiful and simple song
2. Thirteen – Elliott Smith – "Will you be an outlaw for my love"…seems like I should hear this song in my favorite coffee shop.
1. Window Blues – Band of Horses – this song has caused many a drunken text message, email, or phone call to many a girl from me on a late Saturday night…
Highlights of 2007:
5. 10 Year Reunion - Lugoff-Elgin High School (Camden, SC): Beers, a dancing Jody Wright, Shay Bracey and all her glory, Sandy Epling's shorts, Shaun Worley threatening to kill me if I didn't help clean up…ahhh, great memories…Not going to lie, I was not looking forward to the 10-year reunion, but it turned out to be a great time…Then there was the post-party at Joe and Stephanie Richburgs which was hilarious. Josh Broome and his stories were out-of-control, while the 2 love birds (a certain marine and a certain student-body representative) stole the show with their random hook-up in the living room, so drunk they forgot that Joe had windows installed in his living room…Awesome…MVP: Matthew Branham – because his fiancé is hot…way to go Matt…proud of you kid.
4. Andrews Oyster Roast (Beaufort, SC): As always, a great time at the 3rd Annual Allorto Oyster Roast. Doors were burned, Oysters were shucked, and Wells christened Andrew's brand-spanking new leather Lazy-Boy Chairs - Co-MVPs: Wells/Andrew Wells for breaking in the leather appropriately and Andrew for having yet another awesome party.
3. Florida/USC Tailgate (Columbia, SC): The highlight of this tailgate was CJ Jackson talking smack to 19 year old bow tie sporting frat boys one minute and then feeding beer directly into their veins with his UT Beer Bong the next. MVP: CJ Mother Fucking Jackson
2. New Years Eve (Charleston, SC): Jackie falling directly on her ass at around 12:30 am…A certain friend flashing us her ridiculously awesome tater tots a total of 3 times. Me kissing a fat, slightly sweaty New Jersey girl that may or may not have smelled like bacon for the New Years and Rah talking oh so smooth, as only he can, to the local law enforcement on the way home…great night...MVP: Dr. Rahul K. Gupta
1. Carolina Cup (Camden, SC): ahhh, always my favorite day of the year. Hanukkah in the Spring. This annual event simply gets better and better each year. In fact, I go on record to say this year was the best ever. This year's highlights include Winslow driving down from the worst state in the Union (Ohio), Andrew's red pants, and the Cup MVP Jared Tyler for leading the 1980s hit train sing-along all the way home in Kendell's van. Journey never sounded so good…
Man Crushes:
Okay, contrary to popular belief I am not gay. Just ask that girl from college that I slept with back in 1997. Granted I haven't had sex since that 5-minute odyssey, but I for damn sure proved my heterosexuality that historic Thursday night in Johnstone F-522…But to the point, it is my theory that all men have "man-crushes". These are men that we would love to be best friends with, take Jager-bombs (or Vermouth-bombs) with, debate sports with, or possibly just stroke our hands through their thick hair while getting lost in their beautiful eyes…All men have a few guys they have man-crushes on…they may not admit it but they do. Here are my 5.
5. Jack Johnson – Musician, Surfer, Movie-maker, Music-label owner…Solid resume…oh yeah his new album "drops" in February
4. Tom Brady – He should be on everyone's list
3. Colin Cowherd – ESPN Radio genius. He has the best sports radio show in the land, but his best moments are his takes on life…This guy is brilliant.
2. Christian Bale – smug and arrogant? Yes. Great actor? Yes (sans "Harsh Times")…Was he awesome in "Newsies"? Yes…The next Batman is going to be out-of-control good…Look for it this coming summer.
1. Jason Schwartzman – The coolest Hebrew in the world. Rushmore, Shopgirl, Slackers, Spun…all solid (well maybe not Slackers)…Plus, he can write and/or sing a solid pop song (i.e. West Coast – Coconut Records, California – Phantom Planet)
Guilty Pleasures:
Back by popular demand are my top guilty pleasures of 07. I already feel your eyes judging me…
5. Harry Potter: Again that damn Harry Potter makes the list. Wands, Witches, and a game of Quidditch and I am one happy camper…I may dress up like Harry for the last movie…Does that mean I can make out with a girl that is dressed up like Hermione?
4. Waitress: Yeah it's a chick-flick…my Man-card is now void for one year.
3. Gossip Girl: Okay you got me…I know I am pushing 30 and I am watching a tv show about the quagmires of adolescent youth but I am addicted…oh what channel is it on? I don't have to tell you because you know you watch it too …teenage angst is my heroine…also Josh Schwartz plays some damn good music (Elliott Smith, Band of Horses, and Nada Surf in back-to-back episodes…come on, that's unstoppable).
2. Ruby Tuesday's: Dammit I hate the "Applebee" world of restaurants with a passion, but those Tsunami Shrimp at Ruby's are ridiculous…Don't get me started on their sliders…God Bless Ruby Tuesdays
1. Myspace: Though I know Myspace was designed for 13 year old girls and the child sex predators of the world, I can't seem to leave it…I love seeing what my people are up to (apparently mainly binge drinking and squirting out kids) and what music they are listening to etc…I find myself checking the site like 10 times-a-day…
Another year, another countdown. Don't forget to vote in one of the upcoming SC Primaries. January 19 – Republican, January 26 – Democrat. In my opinion the primaries far outweigh the actual November election, but that's up for debate. Remember: Vote Democrat Vote Right
underratted-overrated
So an ass clown sports editor up here in Columbia, SC wrote a very simple article yesterday titled, "Underrated/Overrated". His article was horribly done, but it did get me to thinking of my own Underrated/Overrated list. Here we go.
Underrated: The Girl driving an early 1990s white or black Volvo. There is something terribly sexy about this Girl. I may never put my finger on it completely, but every girl I have passed driving one of these Swedish machines has hooked me line and sinker with their en vogue sunglass, political bumper sticks, and looking amazing while sipping on their iced coffee...
Overrated: The Girl driving a convertible anything. As you go for the pass and you see locks of blonde hair dancing in the wind your mind begins racing through the many hot possibilities this girls face will possess...Beautiful lips, dimples, perfect teeth, etc...As you pull equal and eagerly await the turn of her chick, you ignore speed limits, off ramps, and possibly even motorcyclists....Then she turns and stares you in the face with her googley eye and two chins, as she exhales her Newport, and your foot turns into lead.
Underrated: Any White/Wheat Ale. I have become addicted to any brewery's white ale. My favorite may actually be the Liberty Tap Room's. Orgasmic it is. I am usually against fruit and beer....but the orange plus wheat beer equals love and harmony.
Overrated: Grand Marnier. Listen people, you are not suppose to shoot "Grandma"...in fact, I am not sure you are even suppose to drink it. Its best use is for fueling Kerosene Heaters or starting your grill...not being guzzled out of a dirty shot-glass at room temperature...I feel my ribs cracking just thinking about it.
Underrated: The Girl running on the side of the road. Unlike Convertible Girl, this girl never seems to disappoint. Just the girl's humble attempt to get into shape is a turn-on. This Girl has caused wrecks across the country. God bless you running girl.
Overrated: Hooters Girl. I was dragged to Hooters against my will last month during training for work and quickly my low expectations weren't even met. The girls at Hooters are rarely attractive, much less good servers. Top that with food that I could buy in a bag from Piggly Wiggly's frozen food section and you have yourself a very mediocre experience. These girls think they are smoking hot, otherwise how would they have gotten the job...at least that is their mentality....Unfortunately, just like when your mom used to tell you you could sing, the managers are telling them they are hot...Also unfortunate is that Hooters was created by a Clemson grad...hence the orange...
Underrated: Grocery Shopping. There are few things I enjoy more than going to my local, over-priced grocery store with my iPod on and surveying canned foods and baby spinach expiration dates. As sad as it is, its one of my favorite events to take part in each week. I swear a single's mixer night at a Whole Foods or even a Publix would be awesome...Throw in a wine tasting and good music, and you have a hit on your hands. Mark my words...
Overrated: Walmart. Need I say more. I respect the late Sam Walton, but the store that bears his name can go to hell.
Underrated: How I Met Your Mom. The show is seemingly written by a bunch of average middle class white guys...I guess thats what makes it great. Check it out if you get a chance on CBS. Most episodes are based on an event that has happened to you at least once.
Overrated: ER. Did this show get cancelled ten years ago and somebody forget to tell the cast? Seriously who watches this show in 2008? I would rather NBC put Days of Our Lives on prime time than ER. At least that show is believeable. Though I hate that Victor Kiriakis. Damn you Kiriakis...Damn you.
Underrated: Brian Rietveld. Have you seen him lately...He is all bronzed and tone...Don't know how that kid does it.
Overrated: Brad Pitt. Are you serious...Just look at the god awful movies he has starred in: Seven, Snatch, A River Runs Through It...give me a break...
Anyway, that is my Underrated/Overrated list for now. I hope all is well with you all. Let me know what you think is Underrated/Overrated.
Underrated: The Girl driving an early 1990s white or black Volvo. There is something terribly sexy about this Girl. I may never put my finger on it completely, but every girl I have passed driving one of these Swedish machines has hooked me line and sinker with their en vogue sunglass, political bumper sticks, and looking amazing while sipping on their iced coffee...
Overrated: The Girl driving a convertible anything. As you go for the pass and you see locks of blonde hair dancing in the wind your mind begins racing through the many hot possibilities this girls face will possess...Beautiful lips, dimples, perfect teeth, etc...As you pull equal and eagerly await the turn of her chick, you ignore speed limits, off ramps, and possibly even motorcyclists....Then she turns and stares you in the face with her googley eye and two chins, as she exhales her Newport, and your foot turns into lead.
Underrated: Any White/Wheat Ale. I have become addicted to any brewery's white ale. My favorite may actually be the Liberty Tap Room's. Orgasmic it is. I am usually against fruit and beer....but the orange plus wheat beer equals love and harmony.
Overrated: Grand Marnier. Listen people, you are not suppose to shoot "Grandma"...in fact, I am not sure you are even suppose to drink it. Its best use is for fueling Kerosene Heaters or starting your grill...not being guzzled out of a dirty shot-glass at room temperature...I feel my ribs cracking just thinking about it.
Underrated: The Girl running on the side of the road. Unlike Convertible Girl, this girl never seems to disappoint. Just the girl's humble attempt to get into shape is a turn-on. This Girl has caused wrecks across the country. God bless you running girl.
Overrated: Hooters Girl. I was dragged to Hooters against my will last month during training for work and quickly my low expectations weren't even met. The girls at Hooters are rarely attractive, much less good servers. Top that with food that I could buy in a bag from Piggly Wiggly's frozen food section and you have yourself a very mediocre experience. These girls think they are smoking hot, otherwise how would they have gotten the job...at least that is their mentality....Unfortunately, just like when your mom used to tell you you could sing, the managers are telling them they are hot...Also unfortunate is that Hooters was created by a Clemson grad...hence the orange...
Underrated: Grocery Shopping. There are few things I enjoy more than going to my local, over-priced grocery store with my iPod on and surveying canned foods and baby spinach expiration dates. As sad as it is, its one of my favorite events to take part in each week. I swear a single's mixer night at a Whole Foods or even a Publix would be awesome...Throw in a wine tasting and good music, and you have a hit on your hands. Mark my words...
Overrated: Walmart. Need I say more. I respect the late Sam Walton, but the store that bears his name can go to hell.
Underrated: How I Met Your Mom. The show is seemingly written by a bunch of average middle class white guys...I guess thats what makes it great. Check it out if you get a chance on CBS. Most episodes are based on an event that has happened to you at least once.
Overrated: ER. Did this show get cancelled ten years ago and somebody forget to tell the cast? Seriously who watches this show in 2008? I would rather NBC put Days of Our Lives on prime time than ER. At least that show is believeable. Though I hate that Victor Kiriakis. Damn you Kiriakis...Damn you.
Underrated: Brian Rietveld. Have you seen him lately...He is all bronzed and tone...Don't know how that kid does it.
Overrated: Brad Pitt. Are you serious...Just look at the god awful movies he has starred in: Seven, Snatch, A River Runs Through It...give me a break...
Anyway, that is my Underrated/Overrated list for now. I hope all is well with you all. Let me know what you think is Underrated/Overrated.
Rietveld Becomes a Man
The Day I became a Man
So last weekend I became a man. Did I lose my virginity? No…Still waiting there. I got my first hemorrhoid. Nothing says man more than hemorrhoid. Since I had no prior experience with this manly pain, I sent various emails and text messages to the burliest friends that I have. They all agreed on one remedy…Preparation-H Wipes…Now the question was simple, yet complicated…How can I possibly go into a public drug store and purchase these miracle tissues for the holiest of body parts? Simply put, this is way more embarrassing than buying prophylactics…My mind paged through the stores that have "self-checkout" stations. The only option for self-checkout was Wal-Mart. Since I live in Lexington, South Carolina, Wal-Mart is the equivalent to a Mexico City discotheque…Meaning you go to Wal-Mart to be seen and catch up with your old friends from church. Needless to say I didn't want anyone (especially one of my students) seeing me cruise through Wal-Mart with a 12-pack of Green Lightning soda and a package of 48 life saving butt wipes. Option 2 – Maybe there is a website? Terrible idea, I can't get Preparation H via mail. What was I thinking? Option 3 - I could go to a CVS/WalGreens out of Lexington city limits…Would it still be embarrassing? Yes, but at least I would be unknown and I could get in and out without recognition and minimize my shame.
So the next day after work I go to a CVS in West Columbia with a simple game plan in my head: get in and get out. I would shop faster than I ever have before in my life as if I was a contestant on The Supermarket Sweep. The rules were direct and to the point. 1) Head down at all times. 2) Buy something manly besides the wipes to make it seem that I was shopping for something else and just happen to remember I need some ass cream. 3) Act like I am talking on the phone during the checkout to keep the process as quick, painless and impersonal as possible with the sales clerk.
I pull into the CVS and am happy to see a fairly vacant parking lot. I walk in and the search begins for this miracle drug. A few minutes pass and I still haven't found the wipes and I begin to worry…Could I have possibly walked into the one CVS in the world that doesn't carry hemorrhoid products? Time is ticking and more customers file into what is now the busiest drugstore in the world.
A female worker stops me and asks me what I am looking for. I tell her I am browsing….Who the hell browses at a drug store? No one…When you go to a drugstore you are on a mission, its not like when you fall into the Gap and you are browsing for another overpriced pair of flat-front khakis. The blue uniformed lady finally leaves me alone and my eyes begin scanning like they never have before.
Aisle after Aisle I walk but to no avail. Where is this wipe of life? I text some friends on where to look but no one answers…I am on my own in this retail nightmare. While searching I pickup a Mens Health magazine and a lemon-lime Gatorade. A manly magazine and a manly drink to help me get through the checkout process that looms ahead.
Then finally the miracle happens. Right beside the condoms I find 2 shelves filled with ointments (what a terrible word by the way), creams, sprays, and wipes. Name brands, generic brands, and organic brands fill the shelves and my head with confusion. Do I go with the wipes that were recommended or do I get an organic balm? Do I buy a proven, well-trusted name brand or do I go generic and save 55 cents with my CVS card?
While I ponder this crucial decision the very cute, late 20s pharmacist hollers at me from her elevated throne that overlooks the most critical items in the store: Trojans and Preparation-H. "Do you need any help?"….Fuck, this is exactly what I was scared of…She obviously see what I am looking at buying…I took too long in my decision and now I am paying the price. I first pretend I don't hear her. But this pharmacist has it in for me, "Sir, are you finding everything ok?" …Dammit women leave me alone… "yeah, I am just browsing.." Because who doesn't read the active ingredients in hemorrhoid medication to pass time…
I quickly snatch the generic wipes and head for the counter. The same blue-cladded worker that interrogated me earlier is now working the register. I wait for the line to disappear before I make my move. I hide the wipes under the "Abs-in-30 Seconds" magazine, also known as Men's Health in hopes that she will somehow miss them and put them into the bag. To my dismay she finds the CVS Hemorrhoidal Soothing Wipes and she looks up at me with a smirk. I feel her eyes laughing at the my most intimate of pains as the red laser scans the barcode. I forgot to do the fake phone call…I am an idiot. This 30-second checkout is taking 4 years. My check card has already been swiped and the password accepted and my head stays down in shame. I am waiting for the Gatorade to hit the bag and for "Janice" the CVS torturer to hit the debit button on the register so my time in purgatory will finally come to an end.
She prints the receipt and hands me my bag and I power-walk to my car. It's finally over. I take a deep breath when I hit the seat of my car and I put on Bruce Springstein's "Born to Run" and sing along. Brian Rietveld is now a man.
So last weekend I became a man. Did I lose my virginity? No…Still waiting there. I got my first hemorrhoid. Nothing says man more than hemorrhoid. Since I had no prior experience with this manly pain, I sent various emails and text messages to the burliest friends that I have. They all agreed on one remedy…Preparation-H Wipes…Now the question was simple, yet complicated…How can I possibly go into a public drug store and purchase these miracle tissues for the holiest of body parts? Simply put, this is way more embarrassing than buying prophylactics…My mind paged through the stores that have "self-checkout" stations. The only option for self-checkout was Wal-Mart. Since I live in Lexington, South Carolina, Wal-Mart is the equivalent to a Mexico City discotheque…Meaning you go to Wal-Mart to be seen and catch up with your old friends from church. Needless to say I didn't want anyone (especially one of my students) seeing me cruise through Wal-Mart with a 12-pack of Green Lightning soda and a package of 48 life saving butt wipes. Option 2 – Maybe there is a website? Terrible idea, I can't get Preparation H via mail. What was I thinking? Option 3 - I could go to a CVS/WalGreens out of Lexington city limits…Would it still be embarrassing? Yes, but at least I would be unknown and I could get in and out without recognition and minimize my shame.
So the next day after work I go to a CVS in West Columbia with a simple game plan in my head: get in and get out. I would shop faster than I ever have before in my life as if I was a contestant on The Supermarket Sweep. The rules were direct and to the point. 1) Head down at all times. 2) Buy something manly besides the wipes to make it seem that I was shopping for something else and just happen to remember I need some ass cream. 3) Act like I am talking on the phone during the checkout to keep the process as quick, painless and impersonal as possible with the sales clerk.
I pull into the CVS and am happy to see a fairly vacant parking lot. I walk in and the search begins for this miracle drug. A few minutes pass and I still haven't found the wipes and I begin to worry…Could I have possibly walked into the one CVS in the world that doesn't carry hemorrhoid products? Time is ticking and more customers file into what is now the busiest drugstore in the world.
A female worker stops me and asks me what I am looking for. I tell her I am browsing….Who the hell browses at a drug store? No one…When you go to a drugstore you are on a mission, its not like when you fall into the Gap and you are browsing for another overpriced pair of flat-front khakis. The blue uniformed lady finally leaves me alone and my eyes begin scanning like they never have before.
Aisle after Aisle I walk but to no avail. Where is this wipe of life? I text some friends on where to look but no one answers…I am on my own in this retail nightmare. While searching I pickup a Mens Health magazine and a lemon-lime Gatorade. A manly magazine and a manly drink to help me get through the checkout process that looms ahead.
Then finally the miracle happens. Right beside the condoms I find 2 shelves filled with ointments (what a terrible word by the way), creams, sprays, and wipes. Name brands, generic brands, and organic brands fill the shelves and my head with confusion. Do I go with the wipes that were recommended or do I get an organic balm? Do I buy a proven, well-trusted name brand or do I go generic and save 55 cents with my CVS card?
While I ponder this crucial decision the very cute, late 20s pharmacist hollers at me from her elevated throne that overlooks the most critical items in the store: Trojans and Preparation-H. "Do you need any help?"….Fuck, this is exactly what I was scared of…She obviously see what I am looking at buying…I took too long in my decision and now I am paying the price. I first pretend I don't hear her. But this pharmacist has it in for me, "Sir, are you finding everything ok?" …Dammit women leave me alone… "yeah, I am just browsing.." Because who doesn't read the active ingredients in hemorrhoid medication to pass time…
I quickly snatch the generic wipes and head for the counter. The same blue-cladded worker that interrogated me earlier is now working the register. I wait for the line to disappear before I make my move. I hide the wipes under the "Abs-in-30 Seconds" magazine, also known as Men's Health in hopes that she will somehow miss them and put them into the bag. To my dismay she finds the CVS Hemorrhoidal Soothing Wipes and she looks up at me with a smirk. I feel her eyes laughing at the my most intimate of pains as the red laser scans the barcode. I forgot to do the fake phone call…I am an idiot. This 30-second checkout is taking 4 years. My check card has already been swiped and the password accepted and my head stays down in shame. I am waiting for the Gatorade to hit the bag and for "Janice" the CVS torturer to hit the debit button on the register so my time in purgatory will finally come to an end.
She prints the receipt and hands me my bag and I power-walk to my car. It's finally over. I take a deep breath when I hit the seat of my car and I put on Bruce Springstein's "Born to Run" and sing along. Brian Rietveld is now a man.
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